From Trauma to Triumph: Andrea’s Story
Andrea: [00:00:00] my aunt had a dream. So she called up my mom, Sherry, being like, you need to start looking for her again. And that’s the day that she found me on that website.
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I’m your host Carlin, a Canadian queer identifying 30 something year old, providing a platform for the stories that need to be heard
hello Andrea.
How are you
Andrea: doing good. How are you
Doing?
Carling: Good. [00:01:00] Thank you so much for joining me today.
Andrea: course. Very excited.
Carling: Well, I’ve been super stoked to talk to
you, so let’s, I don’t, let’s just dive in. I would love it if you could introduce yourself and then we’ll find out where your story starts.
Andrea: All right. Well my name is Andrea Gray. I was a adopted into a Jewish family, from all accounts we looked perfect on the outside. Yeah, but what wasn’t perfect was my family life. My mom was sick when I think I turned three until the day of her passing when I was 11.
I grew up with a lot, a lot of trauma just from her sickness, but then when she passed, my trauma got even worse because my adoptive father. Lost his punching bag and now it was me.
Carling: And were you adopted right? As a baby.
Andrea: Yes. I think I was in for about two weeks with a, a [00:02:00] different family until I got placed with my family. And my mother was my world. She was my protector. I still cry to this day thinking about her and my gosh, it’s been so long since she’s passed.
Like, yeah, I’m just tearing up right now thinking about her.
Carling: Did you have siblings? What did your family structure look
Andrea: so, no, actually, what’s really funny about that is I did want siblings, But my mom growing up told me that the rule was you can only adopt one. she didn’t want another child to be in our situation.
Carling: Did your parents get married young? What’s their background?
Andrea: I love their story, but it’s also kind of sad at the same time because they were high school sweethearts. She was a cheerleader and he was a football player.
So,
Carling: Taylor Swift song or something.
Andrea: yeah. And I guess like Judaism, we’re all expected to get married young, so they did get married young, like around 18, 19.
And because like, she was [00:03:00] sick for most of her life too, that I didn’t know about until later. Later. , she was infertile they couldn’t have kids naturally.
Carling: And what was her diagnosis?
Andrea: So, I didn’t know this, but she had Crohn’s for the longest time and then when she got sick with cancer, she initially got sick with cancer, in her colon, and then she didn’t ask for surgery or something along those lines, and then it just spread all the way up and into her lungs, and then it finally got into her bones and. it was really hard watching that growing up. Just she was so weak and so like vulnerable just knowing that he hit her like enrages me so much still to this day.
Carling: Yeah. And did you know you were adopted? Like did you grow up the whole time knowing?
Andrea: I knew. It was really funny because she told, like, she sat me down one day being like, Hey, you’re adopted.
And I was like, okay. And then I just like went to play with my dolls and then the next day I came up to her and I was like, oh, hey, what’s [00:04:00] adopted mean?
Carling: Kids are so
Andrea: Yeah. So yeah, I grew up knowing that, , funnily enough, I grew up knowing a lot about my birth family without even realizing. Because even like, my friends at the time were like, you think you have brothers and sisters?
And I’m like, oh yeah, I know I have them. And they’re like, you know your birth parents? And I’m like, no, I
don’t.
Carling: So like how
did you know?
Andrea: I don’t know. I can’t even explain it to this day.
Carling: Like just in your
Andrea: your core, yeah. I just knew that I had brothers and sisters and I
Carling: and did you get that verified? Yeah. Like you
found out.
Andrea: Right. Yeah. Later, later, like in 2006 is when I
found out, so
Carling: Oh wow. that’s wild.
Andrea: Yeah.
Carling: And so what was it like growing up, three to 11, that’s so young,
what was it like in that family dynamic?
Andrea: it was hard because You know, as a kid I was told a lot from my father that kids should be seen and not heard, the emotional trauma that he put me through, like I still like, am hard on [00:05:00] myself today because of all of that, that he instilled in me.
he was also considered a very strict parent too. I wasn’t allowed to go out past a certain time. I was very sheltered when I actually entered college. That wasn’t a Jewish school. I was like, flabbergasted. I was like, oh my God, I could do this. I could do this. Like there was like a whole new world opened up for me, but I was still getting beaten on behind doors, and I just never talked about it until my stepmother came into the picture because she made it extremely
worse,
she never understood. The dynamic that I had with, my adoptive father, which is fine. I always had to be alone in my room away from the situation, so I wouldn’t walk on the eggshells that was in our house. That also led to me hiding food in my room because I wasn’t allowed for family meals most of the
time too.
Carling: like as a punishment or just as
Andrea: Yeah, yeah.
Like I had to sneak crackers and water [00:06:00] bottles into my room just. To be fed at night.
Carling: And like what did you, what was the punishment for, I always wanna be like, what’d you do? But like, nothing you could have done would’ve warranted
that,
Andrea: I just, I ticked, I ticked them off for one reason or another.
I said the wrong thing. I wore the wrong thing. I remember one time I came downstairs in my pajamas to eat my breakfast, and my stepmother told me to go upstairs, put a bra on, and to be proper around.
Her son.
Carling: Oh.
Andrea: Oh
And I was like, I’m in my freaking pajamas. I’m
like,
yeah.
Carling: At
Andrea: your
house. Yeah. I’m at my house. I, I, I should feel comfortable in my house.
She never made me feel comfortable in my
own house.
Carling: So your dad was abusive to your mom before she passed
Andrea: away,
Yes,
Carling: but not to
you?
or like
not
Andrea: physically. Not physically. There was one instance where he was, but you know what, I didn’t even tell most people about that, aside from my grandmother, and she took that to her grave.
[00:07:00] was just a, um, you just don’t talk about it. Yeah. You just don’t talk about it. Especially in the Jewish community. A lot of people like to talk, a lot of people like to gossip. I remember the first time I tried to run away, my stepmother was like, well, what will the neighbors think? And I just laughed to myself and I was like, I don’t care what the neighbors think.
Carling: Were you when your dad
met your stepmom?
Andrea: I wanna say 16,
Carling: Oh, that’s already such a hard age. And so you had lived 11 to 16 ish, just you and your
Andrea: dad. Yeah, and he started dating right away too, which was a little odd to me because I was still grieving. But you know, even his first girlfriend, I loved her so much. She was like such a great mother that I actually told him one day, I was like, you know, I really do need a mother figure. I just was hoping that it would’ve been her he ended up marrying the second girlfriend and. All hell broke
loose.
Carling: she
had one kid. A
Andrea: kid, she had a son from [00:08:00] a previous marriage and she doted on him like he was king of the castle. And I was just, Cinderella, basically
scrubbing up after everything.
There was an instance too that, , that just popped into my head. I remember I came home from a date and. Our house was flooding from the third floor all the way down to the basement, and I started freaking out because no one was home. So all of a sudden I go downstairs, I turn off all the water. I had no idea where it was coming from, right?
And I start mopping it up. Then they come home and they start yelling at me as like, this was my fault.
Yeah.
And I was just like, are you kidding me right now? So I slammed down the mop and I went upstairs and they were like, you are grounded. We are taking your phone and blah, blah, blah. And I’m like, just because I let a mop fall down hard.
Carling: Oh my God. And how, and so how old was the brother? The stepbrother.
Andrea: Oh my gosh, [00:09:00] that’s a great question. I don’t even keep tabs on him anymore, unfortunately, but I think he was like four or five years younger than me.
Carling: Okay, which makes it even weirder that she was weird about you being in your pajamas.
Andrea: She went through my stuff constantly. She went through my diaries.
She found my birth control pills, which by the way, I wasn’t even having sex. I just had the worst periods of my life. So that’s what my doctor recommended. So they called me a slut in the whore because of that. And then when they found out that I was talking to my uncle about like all of what was happening, she spatted my face and called me a whore.
And I’m sorry for the
Carling: What?
Andrea: but as soon as he did that and I turned him, my father, he just dipped his head and shame . And that was the instance that I knew I had to leave
I didn’t. Have the balls to finally run away until I was 18. And that’s when she was like, what will the parents [00:10:00] think?
And then they finally agreed that I will stay until my brother was done with his exams, because it was too stressful for him.
Carling: Like, who cares about this? kid?
Andrea: So eventually, after all of this happened, My father came up to me and he was like, okay, you wanna leave? You can leave. I’ll drive you. So this all happened in Montreal.
My uncle was like, you are coming with us. You are coming to
live with us for a bit. We will
Carling: And is this your dad’s side of
the family
Andrea: No, my mom’s, this is all my mom’s
side. He drives me all the way from Montreal to Ontario and he just drops me off. Last time I
saw him.
Carling: That was the last time.
Andrea: It was close to Father’s Day. It was like two weeks before Father’s Day or something like that, he got really angry that I didn’t call him for the, the Father’s Day to be like, happy Father’s Day. And I’m like, yeah, I’m not, I’m not.
You can, say anything that you want to your society over there in Montreal.
[00:11:00] Now, I don’t care. I am starting to build my new life. And here’s the thing, I didn’t have the tools, I didn’t have the resources. My aunts and uncle, after a couple of weeks there, they were like, so when are you moving out? And I was like, um, okay,
Carling: in college in
Andrea: Ontario.
So I applied to university. I got accepted into York. I. Unfortunately, I, because I thought I was gonna be living with my aunt and uncle, like I lost, , the time to sign up for a dorm room. So I, I actually had to call directly to the university and my uncle did too just to press on being like, Hey, she needs a place to live. So I got a dorm room and then I just started building my life from there with a penny to my name, a few boxes that I deemed essential. And that was
it.
Carling: Like, I just think back to being 18 or like when I, and I remember thinking like, oh, I’m so grown up. But also now when I look at an 18 year old, I’m like, you’re just a baby. Like you don’t even know anything yet.[00:12:00]
Andrea: Mm-hmm. No. Lot of things that I had to learn by myself. A lot of mistakes that I’ve made, regrets, probably not, you know, like going through the hard times made me who I am today. as I mentioned to you before, getting on this call yesterday was a very significant day for me because that was the day that I finally left my trauma behind me 17 years ago,
Carling: That’s incredible.
Andrea: and now I am sitting in my dream house. My husband is at work and my daughter is with my mother-in-law right now.
I remember when I exited that situation, I was like, I will never. Ever treat a child the way that they treated me. And let me tell you, it’s really hard to come from that and to try to change the way that you
want a parent.
Carling: Yeah. Cuz you don’t know any
Andrea: there’s still times that I do cry. been really Hard and it’s really hard to say that my trauma didn’t define me. Also [00:13:00] because it really did, it made me the person who I am today.
I’m so proud of the person that I have become, that I am becoming. even as the years go on and I still think back to what happened to me and I’m just like, really? Really?
Carling: Yeah.
Andrea: Yeah. Yeah. It’s it’s bonkers.
Carling: And do you think, so you had mentioned like going to college. Was your first time not within a Jewish community, did you grow up going to
Andrea: like
Jewish schools? Schools, yes. My whole life. Jewish private schools.
Carling: That’s wild.
Andrea: all I knew was like, , Judaism, all the prayers. I can still recite them from memory today, which is great. But, , yeah, that was so eye-opening because, he didn’t make a lot of money. I realize that I was attending these schools on a subsidiary, but, but, , the reason why I had to go to, a public college because we basically didn’t have money.
He told me that he had no money He would still buy himself things like, a treadmill. He bought himself a [00:14:00] treadmill when he told me that he had no money for my college books. And I was like, are you kidding me? He handed me a 20 once and he was like, here, you know how much college books are
So he handed me a 20. And you know what I did? I threw it back in his face and I was like, don’t worry about it. I got it. I was in school full-time, I was working full-time. I was already taking care of myself even though I was under
that house.
Carling: Like, I just, like that’s gotta be so what a culture shock to go then go to a public
non-religious
college.
Andrea: It was great because like I was so happy to make friends with other people. I’m not saying that a lot of Jewish people are close-minded, but the people that I did go to school with were, I made friends with like, , Muslims.
I made friends with, , Sikhs. I made friends with Catholics. I was having the time of my life in college until I decided to leave Montreal for good. Right?
Yeah.
Carling: I don’t know much about Judaism, but I know [00:15:00] there’s like Orthodox Judi, which is like women cover their hair. Like it’s very
extreme
I guess.
Andrea: were not Orthodox,
we my grandfather, so that’s my father’s father, he was very involved with the temple. He was such a beacon in his community. So when he passed away, we kind of lost a little bit of that. We weren’t as traditional. We were still very Jewish. We still did all the holidays. We went to synagogue only during the high holidays.
And the high holidays are like very special because you have to do like a certain amount of prayers and yada, yada. I don’t do that anymore. I don’t believe in that anymore. Yeah. What I do believe in is the traditions and the customs. So like for Hanukkah, We always lay the candles. I still do that, and I’m teaching my daughter how to do that.
I just don’t attend synagogue every week anymore. That’s all
Carling: Yeah. So I guess you would’ve really had to like
figure out for [00:16:00] yourself,
what part of being Jewish
still felt right to you. Yes. But it was so entwined with abuse?
And did people within, like, did your grandpa know that it was happening or did people at school,
Andrea: Um, my best friend did.
Okay.
because I hit a breaking point and I was almost going to unlive myself
Carling: Mm.
Andrea: stupid me. I told her how I was gonna do it because I had my appendix removed months before, and I, I didn’t take any of the medication.
I, I kind of slipped it under my tongue and I kept a stockpile of it and a pill bottle. Unbeknownst to me, she basically broke into my house. Not really. The cleaning lady was there and she was like, oh, I forgot something in Andrea’s room. She took the pill ball and she tossed it down the sewer for
me.
And if it wasn’t for her,
like there’s a good chance I would not be here today.
Carling: Are
you still friends with
Andrea: with her? Do still? Yes,
absolutely.
Carling: Aw, that’s so nice.
Even though you
[00:17:00] moved like so far
Andrea: so far
away.
Yeah, we try as much as we can. I mean, a big thing about my ptsd d I couldn’t go back to Montreal for the longest time cuz it just reminded me of everything.
Right. But, gone back a bunch of times now. when my grandmother passed away, I really didn’t wanna go because I was pregnant, but I still went
Pushed through. That’s what I’m trying to do.
Carling: yeah. yeah. when did you re realize, or do you remember realizing like, holy smokes, there’s this entire world out here. That is different than how I was raised,
Andrea: That’s a great question. I remember coming to Ontario to visit my cousins when I was younger and how different it was compared to Montreal, and it just felt more
relaxed and more easygoing here so I always had my mind set up that I would eventually move out here, I just didn’t really think about that until college when I really was [00:18:00] flabbergasted. Yeah,
Carling: And like 18 is such a transformative
time in your life anyway, cuz you really are trying to figure out, I. Like, what’s, where do you fit in the world and what are you gonna do?
Andrea: Exactly. Yep.
Carling: Were your. aunt and uncle, like on your mom’s side that came, that you lived with for a short time?
Were they, I don’t know, like as religious, you said it was more relaxed, but were they
Andrea: also
Jewish?
Yes, yes. And, um, definitely more relaxed than the, the Montreal Jews, that’s for sure. And actually when I found my birth parents and I figured out they weren’t Jewish, I was like, I need to talk to a rabbi.
So I went to their synagogue to talk to their rabbi about the whole situation, and I was like, listen, I really need to reaffirm my faith here. Like I know I’m a Jew. I want to continue being that. And he was like, absolutely, we’re gonna put you in a mikvah. And a mikvah is a religious bath that women take and it’s just like considered this [00:19:00] holy place and you’re supposed to recite prayers.
And it was so beautiful. I actually remember crying afterward. I was like, yeah, I am actually fully Jewish now.
Carling: that’s
Andrea: beautiful.
But actually, , a lot of people in the community, the Jewish community, do not see me as a Jew because my mother
wasn’t.
Carling: What? Like, because your adoptive
Andrea: mother?
No, no, no,
because my birth mother wasn’t
So by Jewish law.
By Jewish law. If your mother is a Jew, then you are a Jew.
Carling: That seems very problematic.
Andrea: My birth mother was pagan
and they made, yeah, they actually made fun of her a lot when she came to visit me, initially calling her a witch and everything. And I was like, that’s not okay. Like please don’t do
that.
Yeah.
Carling: So how
did you end up connecting
with your birth
Andrea: oh my God.
Is this a story and a half for you? Let me tell you, this is a great story. I get goosebumps every time I tell it. so during. All my trauma. [00:20:00] I was like, I I, need to find my birth family. I need, family. You know, like I just, my mom is gone. All I really have is my grandmother and you know how grandmothers can be sometimes, so I joined this website called Adoptee Connect. whenever you join the site, you have to make your own profile. So I was like, okay, yeah, born here, born here. I have a birthmark on my arm. So I wrote that as an identifying thing, and I really just joined so I would be able to talk to other adopted kids because I didn’t know anyone else who was adopted.
I wanted that support system too, until I got an email saying, I think I’m your mother. I was like, what? And she was like, this is the number that you need to call to confirm. the adoption agency was called Bacha in Montreal, and I called them up and I was like, Hey, I need my adoption papers. they were like, yeah, it’s like a couple of months process, blah, blah, blah. And I’m like, no, I need to know now because this woman is telling me that she’s my mom. And they were like, excuse me. And I was like, yes, This is her [00:21:00] name. This is like her birthdate. And they were like, okay. They hang up on me, call me back 30 minutes later, no joke. Yes, she’s your mother. I know. And
Like just
Carling: Like to be a fly on the
wall of that office being
like, oh God, we gotta scramble.
Andrea: Right. And so, they were like, come down to the offices, come gather your information. Oh my God. So I come down to the office, everyone in the office is waiting for me. Like everyone, they were like, are you okay? Do you need, like, do you need us to talk to a therapist for you? And I was like, thank you for the support, but I just wanna take my documents right now and leave.
So they’re like, absolutely, absolutely. But just know that we’re here for you. And they even offered the therapy, to my mother, Sherry.
Carling: Oh, that’s so nice.
Andrea: we didn’t take it because we were just too ecstatic and too
Carling: Yeah.
Andrea: So unbeknownst to me, my aunt had a dream. Saying I was talking to my aunt in [00:22:00] this dream, so she called up my mom, Sherry, being like, you need to start looking for her again.
Carling: Huh.
Andrea: And that’s the day that she found me on that website.
Carling: What,
Andrea: I know.
Carling: so this is your biological mother’s birth. Sis or
Andrea: Sister
Sister
Carling: had a dream that you were Yeah.
Andrea: That I was in trouble and that she needed to start looking for
me again
Carling: My God. So what is your, what’s your birth story? What are the situations that led to you being placed for adoption?
Andrea: Oh my gosh. Well, really, she just got knocked and, , she didn’t like my dad. They were never really together. I mean, they, they didn’t live together. They were also kind of high school. I. Sweethearts. I was a drunken mistake in the back of a van one night,
Carling: Oh no.
Andrea: and, um, she actually never told him until like he found out while she [00:23:00] was, she basically ran away to give birth to me. Right? So he found out through friends that she was pregnant. He starts traveling all the way across because he knows she’s traveling to Montreal with this. Loser. He actually gets stuck in Alberta. He ran outta money in Alberta.
He
couldn’t come and get me
Carling: God. Like were you in bc? Was
your
birth mom in bc?
Andrea: yes, she was in bc.
She met this loser guy, , I forget his name. We all forget. We don’t care about him. Anyways, he offered to drive her to Montreal because that’s where his family was from, and he was going back to Montreal. So she was like, done. I’m going to Montreal
like.
Carling: To have
Andrea: have this baby
to have this baby. me, and she was like, yeah, that’s fine.
I mean, I think a lot of my birth also caused her some trauma too, and that’s why she wanted to place me into a better home.
Carling: Mm-hmm.
Andrea: Because she really was starting out with nothing. She literally came to Montreal with a duffel bag, also like pennies to her name. What she deemed [00:24:00] essential she couldn’t provide for me, and she wanted the best for me.
So the best option for her was to put me up for
adoption.
Carling: And it
was like, it was so you went into foster care. So it’s not like the stories where you hear like she chose a
family.
Andrea: No, she had no idea where, who I was getting placed into. The agency did that all for her.
Carling: Wow.
Andrea: remember, like I, I told her everything that happened to me.
Not, not right away, not like the first visit, cuz you know, yeah. I want her to like me a little bit. So Yeah. When I remember when I eventually told her everything, like she just started bawling and she was like, I would’ve raised you way better than that. We would’ve been poor.
But, but you know what? We’ve really made up for lost time. So that’s
all
Carling: That’s amazing. And does she, So,
she has other
Andrea: kids. Yeah. So,
Carling: when did
they come
Andrea: over all after? she left Montreal and she came to Ontario to have my brother Calvin, and my [00:25:00] sister Jess. And that marriage didn’t end up working either. So then she ended up flying back home to BC where she met my, I guess I could call him my stepfather because he was pretty involved in our lives until they decided no longer to be together.
And then she had two additional kids, , Evan and t Unfortunately, my brother Evan did
pass away last year.
Carling: Oh, I’m so
Andrea: yeah, it was
really hard on all of us because, um, It was just very unexpected. He went to go, he really doesn’t like people first off. And granted, I don’t like a lot of people either. Um, so every winter him and his roommate would go to Alaska or somewhere north and just like, you know, camp out, do their thing, forage, all the good stuff. This trip, he just never came back home.
Carling: Oh
no.
Andrea: Yeah. Yeah, it was really hard.
So that little story there, um, his friend fell, dislocated his hip, told him, I [00:26:00] will be back in a week with help and just never came
back.
Carling: But did his friend who dislocated
his hip
Andrea: survive?
Yes. And he’s very lucky that he was found because by the time that he, they found him, six months have gone by, he had barely any food or water.
, he was stick
thin when they found him and he was a bigger guy to begin with.
Carling: And so was it like an accident
that your brother died in
Andrea: or
we’re not sure?
Carling: Really,
Andrea: CMP didn’t really fully disclose to my mom. They did to my stepfather. I don’t think my mom wants to know. And you know what? I don’t blame her.
Carling: Wow. So how old were your siblings when you reconnected with your mom?
Because they would’ve been a little bit younger.
Andrea: 2006, right? Hold on, I got a calculator.
Okay, so Ty is the youngest one, okay. So 10 and 12
when I met them.
Carling: And
then there was two more
Andrea: left. Yes. So they’re a [00:27:00] little bit older. I wanna say three years younger than me, and Calvin is two years younger than me
Carling: And
did they stay? Did they go to BC with your
Andrea: your mom?
Yeah. They’ve all, they’ve all been a huge family unit,
but without me.
Carling: Right.
Andrea: They knew about me though ever, ever since they were kids, so they knew that they had, they chose a
name Brenda for me, so
they called me Brenda for the longest
time. Yeah.
Carling: that’s so wild.
And so what was the meeting like the first time you met your birth mom,
like and then your
Andrea: your, it was so emotional, so we were chatting a little bit before we all met each other and, , just emails back and forth, really trying to get to know one another. And then the guy that I was dating at the time, he had a work trip in Saskatoon, so he was like, why don’t you fly out with me and then we can just like jump to BC and then [00:28:00] head back home.
Right. I was like, actually that works out great. Let, let’s do it. , unbeknownst to me, he was videotaping our full encounter the first time and oh, I love that. I loved it so much. He’s a good guy. Not for me, but he was a good guy.
Carling: that’s fair. Yeah. Not everyone’s for
everyone,
Andrea: Yeah. so.
the first time that I landed in the Castlegar airport out in BC, I felt like I was already home.
Okay. And then I walked into the building and I saw my mom. I look
exactly like her by the way,
Carling: Oh my
God.
Andrea: and I saw her and I just
waterworks. My dad was there with my stepmother, my stepfather was there with her. And like I mentioned, my, my mom and dad don’t get along at all. Right? So it’s all, it was a really funny encounter for them to be in a room together for the first time in like 19 years essentially.
And it was so funny, my stepmother, when we were chatting over email, she was like, I think you should get a [00:29:00] paternity test. And then I sent them a photo and she was like, okay, nevermind.
Because I have, I have my dad’s smile. I have my dad’s eyes, I have my mom’s nose. I have my mom’s body.
it
Carling: That’s gotta be such an interesting experience growing up, not looking anything like
your parents who raised
you.
And
then suddenly meeting a group of people
who look
Andrea: like
you.
Yeah, it was bonkers. My cousins were there too. my sister, her boyfriend at the time, so much family came. I was so overwhelmed, but like I was only there for two days. Right. Because it was only like a little back and forth. It was June when I met them There was a Christmas tree up for all the Christmas trees that I’ve
missed. There were my favorite color balloons up, and they eventually gave me a birthday cake, sang happy birthdays for all that
they
missed.
Carling: that’s so
nice. No,
that’s [00:30:00] beautiful.
Andrea: Like getting so much love in that short amount of time. After not getting what I needed from my adoptive family was so overwhelming and so powerful.
Carling: And the fact that like your whole, that whole family knew about you, you weren’t a secret
Andrea: No,
Carling: you know,
your mom was just doing what she thought was the best thing for
Andrea: For you.
Carling: Which is all, that’s all we want.
Andrea: And like knowing that my dad tried to stop her.
Carling: Yeah.
Andrea: That same day my dad took me aside and he handed me an envelope full of money saying that I was the first to ever go to university. And when I looked at it, it was a thousand dollars, a thousand dollars. My adoptive father gave me a $20 fricking bill.
The amount of support that my dad gave me, I will cherish until the day I die. I changed my last
name to his.
Carling: Oh, that’s so
Andrea: nice.
Yeah. That’s why my name is Andrea Gray now.
Carling: did you get along with his [00:31:00] wife, your like
stepmom?
Andrea: Yeah. So, they weren’t actually married until two years into me meeting them.
So 2008 is when they got married she’s such a great lady. They’re great for each other. My mom is a bit of a kook. My dad, my dad has the head on his shoulder, so I understand why they never got along. But yeah, I love them both for so many different reasons. And for the longest time, it was actually really hard for me to connect with Sherry because I had so much love still for my mom that passed away.
Yeah, But
Carling: And did Sherry respect that? Like,
Andrea: like was Yes, yes, yes. She told me recently, cuz I went there last year with my daughter and she told me that and she was like, listen, I never wanted to bother you. I wanted you to bother me.
And I was like, wow, thank you. I really appreciate that.
She really understands boundaries. She’s also been through her own traumatic experiences. It’s kind of like we were healing together [00:32:00] and when I got pregnant, I invited her to come down to spend at least a few days with the newborn and me, and oh my gosh. I wanted my mom there so badly, the one that
passed, but I had,
I had Sherry.
And yeah,
it’s weird calling her by her name, but I’ve done it for so long because I still consider my mom who passed away. Her name is Risa. I still consider Risa my mom, She supports that. She loves it. She’s, she wishes she could have met her too.
And you know what? They would’ve loved each other,
honestly. They really
would.
Carling: Oh, that’s so amazing.
Andrea: And
Carling: so did you, you were not with your husband
when I. You
Andrea: first
met him? No. No,
I
was not.
Carling: and so how did you meet your husband
Andrea: Okay, this is a weird story. So I used to do, a lot of work for Rogers retail, and I was a store manager one time, and the new iPhone three came out.
Of course, [00:33:00] we were really, really busy and I got notice from the higher ups that we weren’t allowed to do upgrades. We were only allowed to do new accounts. He comes into the store looking to do an upgrade and I’m like, sorry, I can’t help you right now. He goes ballistic, he flips out on me and just storms off.
So anyways, he goes home and he tells his mom and she’s like, you are marching back to that store and you are apologizing to that nice young lady. So, He did with his
mom, by the way.
Carling: Oh my God.
Andrea: And not only that, but he came in with a coffee, which surprisingly he knew what I liked in my coffee,
which was really strange.
And
Carling: did he just guess?
Andrea: Yeah, he just guessed. And a bunch of mini Mars bars now iPhone three launched. Right. I didn’t have a break that day. I was starving to tell you how attractive I was scarfing these down in front of him and he still [00:34:00] asked me out. Yeah, I was
very pretty.
Carling: Oh my
God.
Andrea: And yeah. Oh my gosh. I remember.
So before him I was engaged twice, I think it was the second date that I knew that he was absolutely the one. And it was so terrifying for me because I didn’t wanna make another mistake, right? Like I’ve already been engaged twice. I thank God no, nothing ever came to fruition with that, but like I was so scared to tell him that I loved him.
Carling: That’s so nice. And so has he met your birth
Andrea: birthday. Yes.
Everyone
loves
him.
Carling: Oh, that’s so
Andrea: great.
Yeah.
Carling: I just love that.
Andrea: for my wedding, which was great, , my sister, both of their boyfriends, they came down. That was the only, oh no, sorry. My dad also came down with, , my step, my stepmother. So they came down and they met most of my, my family too, minus some who weren’t invited for obvious reasons.
but also most of my friends [00:35:00] growing up were there too. They were stunned. They were like, you are a hundred percent your mother. And I’m like, oh, I know this. She went out drinking with them the night before
all of my friends were like, it was like having you there. Like, it was so strange.
We, and I was like, yeah, I know. I am my mom. I, I love
it
though. I love that I can finally make comparisons, right?
Yeah.
Carling: Wow. I just love that. So like what a, I’m so sorry that you had those first, like so many years of your life
the way you did, but what a beautiful,
I don’t know,
that’s not the
Andrea: the ending.
No, it’s not. It’s not. It’s definitely not. And like I’m, as I also mentioned, I was misdiagnosed from anxiety from a generalized anxiety disorder to finally getting my correct diagnosis two years ago for ptsd everything just finally clicked.
I was like, yes, I do have ptsd. And now I’m, I’m still trying to [00:36:00] figure out my triggers. Like it’s still like a learning experience, right? I actually wrote down most of this into a book that I released, I wanna say four years ago, called Albatross. And even the story doesn’t really end. The story is just like, yeah.
And now we’re just gonna move forward, right? Yeah. And that’s what you have to do. And for the longest time, I didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t know how to love myself. It’s so hard to get out of that rut. But once you do things, just start to click. I think I really got outta my rut in 2016. So now the last couple of years have just been like flying by and everything is going well.
I mean, sure. I still have my bad days. Everyone does. Right. But just know that like. The trauma doesn’t define you. It really, really doesn’t. You define yourself
it’s gonna be uncomfortable to get out of that rut. It was for me, , there was a lot of hard truths I had to tell myself,
[00:37:00] and. Oh man, I, I seriously regret nothing. Everything that I’ve done was for a purpose and now I’m here and I’m happy. Oh my God, I can finally say that I’m happy. Like that took years to do.
Carling: And
what was it in 2016? Like what happened? That sort of was the impetus to get
unstuck or out of the
rut.
Andrea: get outta , A doctor finally believed me.
Yeah. And that also is really hard. Really hard to get a good doctor who actually believes in you.
Carling: And what about your in-laws, your husband’s family? Are you close with them? ,
Andrea: with them? I’m really close to my mother-in-law because I really don’t have a lot of family out here. I do have my aunts and uncle, , so I really heavily rely on my mother-in-law for, babysitting and childcare. And my husband works in the film industry, so he’s not here a lot, which kind of sucks. But at the same time, you know, he’s working, he’s getting the bread.
Carling: yeah.
Andrea: she loves [00:38:00] being so involved because her parents weren’t involved with Brian.
Carling: Oh
Andrea: my husband. Yeah. So, so she’s also trying to rectify her wrongs. It’s just funny. We’re all, we all have trauma, we’re all just still trying to get through it.
Carling: yeah,
It’s true. We’re all just trying to, . Figure out the best way forward to be happy
despite everything that may
have
Andrea: it happen, right?
Carling: My gosh, Andrea, I just, yeah. I’m so glad you wrote a book. I’m gonna go
Andrea: go look it up.
So it’s basically a memoir of both what me and my mother Sherry went through. It’s both of our stories intertwined together.
And I would actually absolutely love to
mail you a copy for free.
Carling: Oh my god. I would love that so much. I’m so thankful that we were able to connect and that you shared your story on this podcast.
Andrea: Thank you so much,
Ling.
Carling: Well, I’ll let you get on with your day. It’s gotta be, I guess it’s like after lunch there
Andrea: there now.
No, it’s almost noon. Yep.
Carling: Okay. Yeah, andrea, thank you. so much. [00:39:00] We will be in touch very soon and enjoy your day.
Andrea: Okay, thanks so much.
Carling: All right, bye.
Andrea: bye bye.
.
Carling: Thank you so much for joining me on this episode. I hope you found our conversation informative and entertaining. If you enjoyed this episode, please don’t forget to follow me on social media. Share this podcast with your friends and leave a review@ratethispodcast.com slash I did not sign up for this.
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I hope you all have a fantastic week ahead and we’ll talk soon
I Did Not Sign Up For This- Podcast 