Repressed memories, CPTSD, and healing – Ursula’s Story
Ursula: [00:00:00] I deserve to tell my story, the whole truth of it, including his name
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I’m your host Carlin, a Canadian queer identifying 30 something year old, providing a platform for the stories that need to be heard
Hello, Ursula.
Ursula: Hello, Carlene.
Carling: It’s so nice to meet you and we just discovered we’re both in the same city.
Ursula: I know. That is so
cool.
Carling: Yeah.
Ursula: It is really nice. It’s nice to meet another fellow podcaster in the same city.[00:01:00]
Carling: Amazing. Yeah, we got connected through one of the world’s probably greatest gifts, Tia Bell, who has a podcast and does a lot of therapy work and she’s just a gem. I’m so thankful. So shout out to Tia. Thank you. We should go for drink or a coffee or something.
Ursula: Yeah.
Carling:
Yeah. But anyway, all this to say, we are doing a little pod swap, so you’re generous enough to be on my podcast. I’m gonna flip and be on your podcast. I say, let’s dive in. I would love it if you introduce yourself, tell the world who you are, what you do, where you’re from.
And then I’m excited to hear your story.
Ursula: All right. Let’s see. Originally born in Holland. Immigrated when I was quite young to essentially, yeah, the Calgary area. And I don’t speak Dutch. I can little bit understand it when my mom says it sometimes. So yeah, basically been in Calgary my whole life. I’m a podcaster like you, I’ve got my own podcast called the Happy Pill Podcast. And right now, because of my [00:02:00] health conditions, I have like severe PTSD symptoms and such. Right now I’m just on long-term disability. It took a little while for me to not feel so shamed about that, but the truth is, PTSD kicked my ass.
So this is what I’m going with. I have like education in film and video and in drama and I pursued those careers. I was in theater, I was in film and video it was a beautiful time. I enjoyed it. Extremely long hours that I don’t miss, and so now I’ve just put that on the side and currently just focusing on my health and getting my health better, healthier, go figure.
And then working with my little service dog
and training Olive.
Carling: God. And is Olive the service dog? Are you training her and then sending her back to be placed or is she your service
Ursula: no. She is actually my service dog. I am in an owner trained service dog program. So this was actually just approved just a few years ago, actually, I think maybe five to 10 years ago. Cuz [00:03:00] generally it was only through an accredited school or program that you’d have professional trainers. So now they’ve opened it up because the demand for service dogs, especially for women with disabilities, has been increasing exponentially.
And especially for middle-aged women as well. So I am part of that program. My partner comes with me and so we have Olive and so we are in this program, which really provides a different, like it’s a bit challenging to train your own dog for the needs that. You require yet quite often when in training route in public spaces and meeting public, and there is no etiquette for people.
So not only am I dealing with my condition, then I’m overly stressed because I’m training my dog and then I have the public who are insistent on wanting to touch my dog, talk to me, pet them, whatever. And then so everything just amplifies, which can actually worsen my conditions.
So that is a challenge and a world that I’m trying to navigate.
But yes, so [00:04:00] she, long story, long, she is my dog and I am training her for my personal P T S D,
Carling: Wow. Oh, that’s so great.
I think we do need to have less shame and stigma around taking time and prioritizing our health. I think that’s so important.
Ursula: , it felt like for me eventually, it just forced me all the triggers and flashbacks and stress and the trauma that I experienced as a child. It just kept forcing my body to stop until it eventually just Like I just collapsed, like mentally, physically, emotionally, everything spiritually as well was just, I couldn’t do it anymore.
And , to get into some chronological order here, let’s just talk about it. As a little girl, from the age of three to 10, I was severely sexually assaulted by a man that my mom was dating at the time. He was a married man. Actually, and so through those sexual assaults I received how to not received.
I have like dissociative [00:05:00] amnesia and like severe ptsd, severe chronic insomnia, depression, anxiety, da. And there is a list, right? So it’s all under the umbrella of C P T S D, which is like complicated or complex. Post-traumatic stress disorder, which is now being called
just PTs. You know, They’re taking out the D as in a disorder.
I just learned this year. I didn’t know that. So yeah, so it’s just post-traumatic stress and then there’s also like just tbi, which is traumatic brain injury because that’s what trauma does. It literally changes the
brain chemistry and the brain
Carling: That’s so interesting. I’ve never thought about trauma leading to a traumatic brain injury, but that makes so much sp sense, like especially as a developing child whose brain isn’t fully formed yet.
Ursula: Yeah. Yeah. So in 2017 is when I I discovered or remembered and was aware of the rapes. I always thought it was molestation. And so I didn’t think it was that severe because [00:06:00] I thought that was a form of parenting at the time. This man is not my father because my pedophile father assaulted.
Another family member, so he wasn’t in our picture. And so I didn’t know, like I didn’t know, I’m three years old, three to 10. At school, it was a real challenge for me. I actually failed grade one and at that time it was actually a failure. Now they don’t do that so much because that is another traumatic thing.
But I failed. Grade one. And I felt so much shame for that for so long because it’s like, who fails grade one? When you’re being sexually assaulted and you’re being ignored and neglected and abandoned it happens. And so there’s multiple traumas that I’ve experienced up until about 21, and so that again, goes under the umbrella of CPTSD
It’s such an intricate journey. For me, it, how do I even start to explain this? I was having severe mood swings, certainly in my twenties and thirties, into the fact that [00:07:00] it could be on the scale of bipolar, there’s different variations of bipolar.
You don’t just go, oh, you’re depressed, and then you’re bipolar. There’s a scale for that. There’s different levels and, I was always angry, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t know how, I always felt bad in that I should be punished, which created this perfectionism, in me, that if I am perfect, if I am right all the time, then if I’m on the podium, if I’m number one, then people can’t reach me.
I don’t get hurt, I don’t get abused, and it’s not because I’m better than other people. It was a total protective mechanism that I had adopted. And so because of that it, I felt like it really made me anal and bitchy and I would have these anger levels and then I’d get into these massive mood swings and I was just, when I was down, I was really down and lots of suicidal ideation.
And then when I was up, I was really up, but it wasn’t for a very long time. So that started to [00:08:00] really build. And in my thirties, like I was doing counseling already when I was 21. And again, I only thought it was molestation, so I didn’t give it a lot of credit in a lot of credence. I kept doing counseling and then I would work with my doctor and she would bring in some, another form of counselor, one that’s a little bit higher because as you advance in counseling, then you get the counselors, then you get your psychologist, and then you get your psychiatrists and I said I need more.
I need more. I need more than what they could provide. I did had no idea that I had P T S D or anything. That was until 2019, so just not that long ago. So massive mood swings, lots of anger, and it affected every single one of my relationships, whether that was with men or whether that was with women. And I didn’t know.
I didn’t know any of this stuff until I started to peel back the layers. Very sensitive. Very sensitive. And I didn’t start working on the rapes until 2017. It came through in a healing session, it really shifted me [00:09:00] hardcore at that point because it felt so much more violating to me. Than the molestations, but the dissociative amnesia that came through, I didn’t have the memories of those rapes. It’s too, it was too violent. It was too traumatic. So my brain shut off And that was that. So for me, I wasn’t validating myself, but I would notice things. I’m like, I was, oh, I was so angry at men, and, oh God, they ticked me off.
I can’t be in a relationship with them. Geez, those things should be cut off. And so just a really negative reaction to men and especially their genitalia, which again, these are signs, these are all signs and building blocks that would come up and eventually piece into this puzzle when I discovered it in 2019.
2017, sorry. But it wasn’t until 2019 that, finally I was receiving help because I had another traumatic moment with family members and it just brought me down to my knees and I got to talk with I had to take time off [00:10:00] work is what it was. I went on short-term disability. They said, okay, here, talk with a doctor, talk with a psychologist, a psychiatrist actually.
And so I had explained everything and then, It was like, oh yeah, you have ptsd. In fact, you have C P Ts D, and then I had to go to the sleep clinic. Oh, yeah, you have severe chronic insomnia. So all of these diagnoses started to happen just a few years ago. But in the meantime, I’m 50 now. I’m proud to be 50.
I’m, I feel good about that. All those years, all those decades, I had no idea whatsoever because all the counseling I was receiving since the age of 21, no one was informing me of anything. All the stories I would tell no one would say, oh, are you sure that you haven’t been raped at all? No. It was a girlfriend I was dating in 2017.
She had asked me that. She was the first one to ask me. She’s Have you been raped by chance? You know, It’s just being very delicate. I was like, oh God no. That didn’t happen to me because I didn’t have the memories. And sure enough it came through. And then I started to go to a specific [00:11:00] center called Casa Community Calgary, communities Against Sexual Abuse.
And. It’s been quite a journey. , that’s when I started to have more flashbacks, within these past three, four years is more flashbacks but flashbacks aren’t just mental images, they’re also body sensations.
They are the smells, the taste, texture, sight, seasons, everything. So really these past number of years, it’s just kind of universe is
like
Ursula deal with
Carling: It’s, I think
Ursula: you know?
Carling: There’s, I haven’t read the book, full disclosure, but there’s a book that I keep hearing about called The Body Keeps the Score. I. And it’s about like, it’s this, the concept that your body will hold trauma whether you remember it or not, because it has to put it somewhere.
It seems from like the people that I’ve talked to that eventually it will come out.
Ursula: Yes. And I, I believe that just that universal theory that, the truth always comes out because the body will represent what is being blocked, what’s hidden, what needs to be worked on so [00:12:00] it can release it. Essentially it’s . Defrag in your computer. I don’t know if people do that anymore.
I don’t. You have to defrag the computer. You gotta do that with your body as well, because a lot of symptoms, like I know that I was starting to have Some issues around the lower uterus, fallopian, tubes, everything. I would go to my healers, I would go to the doctor, get the gynecologist in there.
and I remember that gynecologist actually saying to me, she’s our tests are showing up. Nothing. There’s nothing going on. Thank God, honestly. And so she asked me, she said what do you think it is? And I said, I think it’s from my abuse. And she said, I think you’re right. So I was working with my healer at the time, Olga Arson bless her soul.
She’s passed away now, but she was just so amazing. An intuitive body talk healer, very powerful and gifted. we were working on this and she said, Ursula, Write a list of the pros and cons of why to keep this abuse. What are the advantages of you hanging onto this story and what are their disadvantages?
So I had written, I think it was about [00:13:00] two or three pages, why I capped. this trauma in me because it was all reflecting down below so I wrote this list and I just got so truthful. I was like one, it allows me to be justified. At hating men. It allows me to receive sympathy from others.
Because I didn’t receive affection and sympathy when I was younger. It allows me to keep telling my story and being justified and staying stuck where I am, and I don’t have to, find a future. I don’t have to, live my true life because I have no idea what my true life is. What is that job?
If I let it go. If I let that trauma go, what would happen? Then I’d have to live my dreams. I’ve gotta be honest and authentic and not that I wasn’t honest and authentic, I only knew so much.
Carling: almost seems like there’s like a veil over it. Like you’re living just below the surface.
Ursula: Yeah, absolutely. And so I found that in really getting truthful with what was the purpose of me hanging onto it, was things that I just wasn’t aware of. And they were very harmful [00:14:00] to me. It wasn’t just him that had assaulted me. There was other, violent like a violent beating.
One night I had from another family member, there’s the neglect, abandonment, ab abuse that had gone on. So not everything was physical, right? So over those first 20 years of my life, there’s so many different traumas, but that one in particular, Was obviously the biggest one. It was like the first one.
So breaking it down and creating that pros and cons list. My body healed itself in two weeks, so I’m not saying forego Western medicine or anything, I’m just saying it’s a blend. It’s a combination that, like you just said, the body keeps a score. There’s another book called when the Body Says No.
Uh,
by
Gabo.
And it’s so complex and it’s so intricate, which is why I’m still on L T D right now because I’m still challenged with sleep. That has been the biggest thing, because I used to sleep with a knife under my pillow, a couple of knives.
There was an army knife at ay, a [00:15:00] chef knife, and I don’t sleep in my life. I recall having, Two, just two nights in my entire life where I actually slept and I woke up refreshed, like
how people would normally sleep , so I think one was in my thirties and one was about six, seven years ago.
Carling: I find it’s so interesting because it’s so connected. If you’re not sleeping adequately, your brain isn’t resting, your body isn’t resting, so then now you’re operating at a deficit and then you know, that’s not great for you.
Ursula: Yeah, absolutely. Like I am always exhausted. And then there’s exhaustion on top of the exhaustion because for example, if I go out for a hike or something like that and it takes a lot of energy and I’m like so tired, I’m like, oh yeah, I could like totally crash, man.
Like I’m just so tired and those are the worst sleeps ever. Because then it’s like my brain is even extreme hyperactive to keep me alert just in case someone’s gonna come in the room [00:16:00] or, something’s gonna happen or this, or this. And it is a terrible feeling. Which leads to, such massive depression like that I have been dealing with in clinical depression and suicidal ideation because it is exhausting being exhausted, and it eats away at.
All the good juju that I want to have, but I don’t have enough of those experiences yet to build more. So there’s a lot of different techniques that I’m very grateful to have a toolkit of techniques that I’ve learned over these like 30 years, and they do play a factor for me.
It’s, oh, it’s this part and then that part, and then, oh, this one I need today, It’s so vast.
Carling: And so how do you tackle, have you been on like sleeping pills and, different remedies and it still doesn’t work?
Ursula: No, because my mind is so strong that way. I am on right now, two different kind of antidepressants. I take one in the morning and then I take one at night, which generally has more of a sleep effect. So I [00:17:00] have tried, like across the board, a lot of stuff to try and sleep, but my mind will, again, it goes into that.
Extra, that extreme hyper vigilance. And it’s no, you can’t sleep because you can’t sleep because you gotta be safe and you have to be alert. So that is the constant battle I go through every night since meeting my partner three years ago it’s been different because sleeping with her has actually helped, which. Has never helped me before with anybody. Having Olive Live right now isn’t exactly helping that just yet cuz she’s still a pup, she’s still being trained, so it’s getting a little better. But there’s still no quality. I can now start to fall asleep and goodness, I can actually start to stay asleep.
This is just a new thing for me. It’s challenging. I just keep saying challenging, but I’m still here. I still keep doing, I still keep growing and trying and learning,
you know, to the best of my
ability.
Carling: Was there a big shift in the relationships in your life, like romantically or family [00:18:00] or otherwise? Once you had that realization of what had actually happened to you and you started on this journey of like really doing some healing work?
Ursula: Yeah, it. I’ll keep the romantic ones aside just for now. We’ll get back to that moment. But just dealing with family is, I have found that the more that I started to heal and question and, pursue legal actions against this man who raped me, the more I found like my family kept going backwards.
On it. Like they, they didn’t really wanna talk about it with my mom. I think she felt just so much guilt about it, and, she would say with my other sibling, oh, they were just so happy and joyful and all of a sudden, they just switched. And I said, yeah, that’s abuse.
That’s abuse. That’s abuse. That’s neglect. That’s abandonment. When a child is all of a sudden shifting, there’s something that’s happening because children don’t lie. So I found that what I did in [00:19:00] 2005 is I finally reported him to the police, which was a massive, scary episode.
And you know what’s so interesting is I literally just did four episodes I just launched the last one this week. where I literally talk all about him and it’s called, that Fucker is Dead, and it’s a four-part series of how I met him, what happened, all this kind of stuff. I like that term and I name him for the first time.
It’s the first time I’ve ever publicly. Spoken his name. And so in there that’s when I talk about him. in 2005, I did finally decide to go to the police. And I wasn’t sure. I was like, calling him up. It’s oh, I just, I need to report this incident. And again, at the time I thought it was molestation and it happened 27 years ago.
I don’t have evidence, I was like, what? What can I do there? Like, Oh, the police will be there within an hour. And I freaked out. I was like, what are you talking about? Like in an hour? I was
in like next week? This happened so long ago.
And there’s no statute of limitations on this. So I was like, oh my God. Oh my God. I called up my bad friend. Can you be here? Oh my God, the police are coming, blah, blah, blah,
Of course, two men, right? Come [00:20:00] and yeah, which makes it a little bit more uncomfortable. And the older one, you isn’t as friendly as the younger one.
And they said it becomes a, he said, she said type of scenario, which is what I figured and really, As we’ve discovered and as I know that the justice system basically protects them more than they do the victims. So I said, what are my options? So getting some advice around and it’s like I opened up my file, I submitted my report multiple times because I had to keep repeating my story cause I went to the wrong department.
Then it had to go to the RCM P because it happened outside of Calgary and then it’s da. And it’s oh my God, that’s just too much stress. But I opened up the file and they said if others come. Forward, would you be willing to participate? And I said, absolutely. And I knew of others. I knew of two others for sure, but that’s not my story to tell, and when I had said, Hey, this is what I’m doing, I got, oh, good for you. Let us know if you need a
hand. And then I didn’t hear from them [00:21:00] for years. So that was the kind of support that I was receiving and my mom didn’t want to talk about it. And my dad I didn’t meet my dad till I was 35, and he failed as a father, obviously.
So as far as family was concerned, it’s been a very delicate process. And I would say there’s been very little support in that. But our history, our family history, you can go back generations, it is just riddled with violence, sexual violence, abuse, and everything. not everyone can do it, right?
It’s quite a challenge because it triggers their own traumas. So that was family. For me, I felt so alone having no family support or anything going through all of this journey, and it is challenging, but. Like I said, I didn’t know about the rapes, I didn’t know about ptsd, I didn’t know about all these conditions.
And yet now these younger generations are coming up and now there is access and resources for them. Keep talking about it. Keep talking about it because it’s still [00:22:00] happening. So you had asked me a question about like, how did this affect my romantic relationships and, it was interesting because as we said, just off show pre-show here, is that.
My sexual orientation shifted because of trauma, because of the sexual trauma. So I had no idea of this. I was dating, boys, guys, like I was grade six for Pete Sick. The first boyfriend was like Billy Sullivan. He had to jump up and kiss me on the cheek because I was so much taller than him.
And And then same thing with Willie later on. He was just so cute. So I had dated these guys up until, I think I was 21 or 23 or something like that. And all of them were so sweet, they were so kind. My first love James, like he’ll always have a very special place in my heart, but the relationships could only go so far.
I could only stay in him for so long. There was only a certain level of intimacy that I could get to. And then I was just like I can’t, because the pressure was [00:23:00] mounting on me so much and I didn’t know what it was. I had no clue whatsoever. And so this fear and this terror, and I just thought, okay, I guess the love is done.
See you later. I didn’t know Rick, like 20, 21, 16, and that’s just what it was like, and but they were all sweet. So around 21, 23 I honestly spend more time being single than I do in relationships. So during this gap, it was about five years that I was single. And I had then wondered,
am I transgender?
Carling: Oh, interesting.
Ursula: yeah, because I kept fantasizing or creating scenarios in my head that I was a man and this is how I would treat a woman. This is what I would do and I would show respect, and I would show kindness . So I was starting to get confused because in my mind it’s like, this is how I wanted.
To be treated not knowing that, of course. And I thought, and of course I’m a tomboy. I’ve always been a tomboy like sports. I remember this one girl in junior high chewing this apple. I thought, wow, that is cool. That’s really nice. [00:24:00] And then I was like, I like the way she’s eating that apple original sin and all that stuff behind.
And then I thought, yeah, totally. So then started this little trickle. It’s like, do I maybe like women, do I like women as a man? Do I want to be a man? that slowly dissolved because it’s like, I don’t feel that I’m wrong in my body. I feel
like my body is
wronged. So it’s an interesting, idea that I was just like, No but I was so unidentified with my body.
I couldn’t like, I would hide it. I would hide it with food. I would hide it with clothes and attitude. So I have a sugar addiction. It’s a pretty bad addiction and it’s an unhealthy one. But I had thought if I make my myself fat and I wear big clothes and stuff like that, they won’t notice me. Men and boys won’t notice me.
They won’t want me, they won’t hurt me, they won’t follow me, they won’t attack me. All of that stuff. So I had thought maybe I’m supposed to be. A boy, maybe I’m supposed to be a man because this [00:25:00] is how I would treat women, and so I was on that path and I think that’s when it started to, I’m like, oh yeah, I remember in junior high when, there was like in dance class, we had dance class and stuff like that, and danced with the girls and I felt way more comfortable with the girls, and then with the actual school dances, I would date, or dance with the guys and stuff like that. But there was just certain things that I felt, oh, okay. So in like in drama, we’d be in the scene. It’s okay, it’s now has to be a female scene cause there’s not enough guys in the show.
And it was like oh, they actually felt nice kind of hugging this person and watching her eat that apple, you know. so that was always there. And then by the time I was 28, it was like, then I was like, no, I. I think I’m gay, and had admitted it to a friend and I was like, oh my God, I’m gonna hell, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I run over to the United Church and I’m like, peace, pastor, father, whoever, please tell me God is still loving me. Because I think I’m gay now. There it is. I think I’m gay. And he’s like, God doesn’t hate you. And it’s I needed this kind of religious [00:26:00] approval, I needed someone to tell me that, God does not.
He doesn’t spite you. It’s just okay. And I could see this reverend, actually, he was a reverend and he was like backing away a little bit, but it’s like you’re in a United church. So interesting enough that
he was really the first one I told, that I was gay and I’m coming out.
And then I remember telling my one good friend Josh, he’s Mr. Gay Canada, 2019. He’s so gay. Oh my god. It is no problem me telling him, saying his name cuz he’s he’s so gay. He
literally was Mr. Gay Cat 2019.
Carling: That’s amazing.
Ursula: I know, right? So when I told him and he’s like, oh, okay, so are you gay? Are you queer? Are you dyke? You lebo in some other kind of fish term. And I was just like, What? Because I’m so new, I didn’t know any of this stuff. And it’s like, no, I’m just me. You know? He is like, okay, just me, and then a year goes by and he asked me again and he is are you still like just me? And I’m like, yeah, because none of those labels fit for me. It didn’t feel right because there was conflict, there was such internal conflict and I couldn’t understand what that was.
So from 28 [00:27:00] onwards then I was dating women. So essentially I’ve been out for out, what is that? I’m me for 28 years, and that’s been interesting. And the very first relationship I had with a woman, it was um, Not very fun. I have to say it. It was unpleasant. Let’s just put it that way because the breakup, I was like, I’ve heard about, women who date and sometimes they have these really psychotic breakups and stuff.
I was like, really? It’s just, we’re just people like. We’re no different than anyone else, but Oh my God. Oh my God. That was like literally
the worst breakup ever. I thought, that’s it. I’m not dating women. Time out. Stop. No, I’m done. I’m done. It was insane, honestly. It was she had lived out of town and, so we had this fight and she was really upset about something saying, oh, just some terrible heavy stuff. And I’m trying to, because what I do is I’m a people pleaser. So I’m like, okay, here, let me come out and get you, I’ll bring you to work.
You can get your car. Cause I guess her car was in town. And so as I go pick her up and we’re having this massive fight, In [00:28:00] the car and I thought, oh my God, I’m just regretting this, right? I was like, but I felt like in some way I think I had started the argument or something because I wanted to exit the relationship and she just went to town and it was during winter storm too, and I’m driving in my little Dodge Neon, I called it my peon cuz it was purple.
And I’m like skidding all over the road like this cuz she’s like in my ear. And I was just like, what am I doing? And so I had to pull over. So I pulled over on the side of the road and I had to get out of the car because I was like, oh my God, this is just insane. Like I couldn’t even bring her into Calgary safely.
That’s how much of this was going on. And it just racked me. So I was just trying to calm her down. I said, let me just get you to work. Everything’s gonna be okay. We can talk about this later because I’m thinking safety. That was my first concern was safety. So I got Brought her into town, brought her into her work so that she can have access to her car.
And
then I was like, I am so done with you. This is insane enough of your, it was just so much, it was such an attack,[00:29:00] , we’re both still young, like 28, 29. I don’t consider that old at all, and it was my first queer relationship and I had no idea, but it scarred me.
It’s, it scarred me, honestly. And people kept saying to me like, Ursula, why are you dating her? She’s the complete opposite of you, you’re you’re fun and outgoing and everything. And she’s just like this little pit bull. And people actually called her like this little pit bull.
And I was like, I didn’t know because I’m so insecure. I didn’t think anyone was going to love me. And I just, I. I didn’t know. I didn’t know I had such low self-esteem and so that was generally the women that I would pick up cuz they would mirror that, not pick
up. I
wasn’t,
Carling: Just go around picking up ladies.
Ursula: But it was generally I was attracting who was mirroring my insecurities, my fears, my doubts, and self-loathing, so those were kind of like my first few relationships with women. And then there was one and really felt like a bridge just totally.
Woo. [00:30:00] Head over heels. There I go. There goes Ursula. Oh my god.
at University, 35, of course meet this gal. Absolutely crazy head over heels for her. She was wonderful, beautiful, blonde, amazing, and just the cutest little button. And and then things just, and it’s she lied about her age and it’s like, oh, your ex is actually your ex-fiance.
Carling: Oh no.
Ursula: so I just spiraled in three weeks. I was just like, but it was so amazing too, right? James and her Lauren were just so impactful to me and such beautiful very, very short relationships. But to feel that. That love, that deep love, that’s just oh my God, this person is in your world and it shakes your world.
And that really became a bridge to the other relationships I would have with women, down the road. And with my current partner right now, like throughout my whole healing journey I’ve just discovered that, you know what, I’m not born gay. I’m not, it’s not instinct in me, [00:31:00] it’s not intuitive in me.
That trauma played a huge factor in. In my sexuality and certainly about fear and keeping myself safe, I feel safer with women than I do with men. And now it’s for obvious reasons. It’s like, oh, now I get that. So I share this, and I told my current partner, I said, listen, if you wanna date me, you are getting a bag full of stuff, and I shared openly and honestly with her, this is what happened. This is where I am. And I don’t have that label. I don’t feel comfortable with it because I’m just Ursula, I’m still just Ursula learning, growing, loving to the best of my ability. So I will use queer and. And she said to me, and she shared similar things with me too.
So we just have this nice, soulful connection. And it’s actually my longest relationship by
double, which is three years. So it’s three years. So it’s, it literally, my longest one was a year and a half. [00:32:00] But that was, that’s trauma, that’s sexual trauma and I feel like it’s not talked about enough how trauma can affect sexuality.
I know what I say could probably upset people, maybe because I’m not a pure blood. Not part of the community. It’s like I, I am who I am. I can’t change what happened and I’m in my relationship, which is so loving and so supportive of everything I’m going through because she’s had to handle the largest I would say after effects of the trauma.
All the flashbacks, the panic attacks of the suicidal ideations everything. She’s just been there and been solid for me, and that is just amazing. That’s just amazing. And so that love just feels genuine. So I’m not here to upset people, but also you need to share the truth that trauma can affect sexuality and people can
Carling: Yeah,
Ursula: anytime they want.
Carling: I think both things can be true. I think that. Sexuality is a spectrum. I would wonder,
Ursula: Hmm.
Carling: This [00:33:00] is not based on science, but I would just wonder, maybe without the trauma you still would’ve been bi, maybe the trauma.
I don’t know that. Trauma makes somebody far left or far right on the spectrum.
I think we’re all somewhere in the middle. Some a little more left, some a little more right. I think it’s, I think it’s more rare to have somebody be 100% totally straight , or totally gay. I just think we’re somewhere in the middle but I think it’s interesting that the role that trauma plays on. Where we end up on that spectrum.
Ursula: Yeah, absolutely. And I think what you see there is just so beautiful too, because you know there were the days that you were either gay or straight. There wasn’t any variations in between not even being transgender. It’s like, you’re right. Or you’re left, and now there’s so much more fluidity, and I’m hearing so much more from even friends of mine that are saying, oh, you know what I’m maybe I’m a little bit curious now.
Maybe I want [00:34:00] to, try something. I’m not sure, but, oh, Jesus, I’ve had this attraction and I always go back to junior high. When there was this comfortable and feeling and attraction to, my classmates, my female classmates, right? So I always go back to that and it, that tells me that yeah, there was certainly fluidity.
It’s just the label. I cannot label myself like even as an artist. I do podcasting. So I can be a podcaster, but I’m also a writer. I’ve also done drama. I’ve also been a filmmaker, and so maybe just artist, but even an artist doesn’t express who I really am. So I don’t think my
Carling: Yeah. Yeah, I think that’s beautiful and I have a whole, I don’t know, rant in my head that’s always talking about language and representation and, who would you have been if you had the words and the language to, express yourself from a young age
Ursula: Yeah, and I guess, I think, this [00:35:00] is one of the reasons why I started my podcast was because I just need to finally openly share just my truth. Like my first season, I felt like I glossed over a lot of that truth. I was scared, right? Because putting it out there, as I.
It makes you vulnerable, right? Open to criticism and judgment and everything. And in this second season, I’ve decided to go deeper and just share it because it’s my truth. Like in this last episode I did, the conclusion. I felt so afraid to say his name for the longest time.
Murray Schmidt. That’s his name, was his name cuz he’s passed now. And I was afraid to say it because I was worried about his family, his wife, his kids, his friends, coworkers, whatever. Because I had thought that after reading his obituary, I was like, they make him out to be this really nice guy.
He’s gonna be sorely missed and he did this, he did that. And I was like, what? I was like, seriously, like I almost [00:36:00] wanted to reach out to them because I was curious. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t relieved that he passed. I was curious and I wanted to reach out to his family and say do you know this?
It wasn’t just me, there were others. Have you experienced this? Whatever. And then I thought, no, I don’t think I wanna open up that door, because what if they don’t have that experience with him? And then I was like, wait a minute, why am I thinking about them? This is my story. This is my connection to that pedophile.
I deserve to tell my story, the whole truth of it, including his name. So that was a real challenge for me cause it’s actually taken me a few years to even create those episodes. And to share that history and to say his name because there is fear around it. I never said it before when he was alive because I was afraid he would come back and haunt me and find me, and I would actually meet him a few more times.
This is what I talk about in those episodes, is that I would end up meeting him again when I was 15 and then again in my thirties.[00:37:00] There was again, another opportunity to file charges and everything, and I talk about those in those episodes because I never shared it before. And so there’s something a little bit empowering with it, but also , I have that right.
I deserve to, to share that, to say his name. My intention is not to harm or hurt his family. If they ever listen to the episodes, maybe they won’t, and that’s just the universal way. But it’s important to share, and it’s important to talk about how trauma affected my sexuality, how it affected every single aspect of my life, work, creation, relationships you name it, it, affected it
Carling: That’s incredible. I’m so sorry for your trauma, but I’m so thankful that you’re the healing and sharing and you know, one of the things that I hope for this podcast is that people who hear it, Get something out of it, and whether that’s seeing themselves in somebody else’s story or just hearing a different perspective and maybe making them stop and [00:38:00] think about how they view things.
Ursula: That’s really all we can do., I don’t know, for you if you find that your podcast has been therapy, I know that it’s, felt like that for me. It’s not only therapy, but a journal.
It’s now an an online journal. Cause I used to write journals like all the time, and I never go back and read them.
It’s, but I’ve got hoards of them, and so my podcast has
become
that journal.
Carling: That’s amazing. I love that.
Ursula: Do you
Carling: Yeah, I think so. I shared my, I sort of sent share my own traumas on my Patreon and. I have to laugh cuz like, I was like, man, I’ve been through a lot, once I started thinking about them in episode, sort of breaking them down. Yeah. But there is something empowering and healing about expressing it.
Ursula: Yeah.
Carling: Well, I am going to make sure to like obviously tag your podcast, but I’ll put a link to the show in the show notes as well because I think our, I think our podcasts compliment each other very well.
Ursula: Yeah, right back at you. Like I would do the same thing with yours [00:39:00] and obviously share this one on my, social media platforms and everything cuz
Carling: Yeah.
Ursula: Cross
pollinate.
Carling: And I love that. As soon as we’re gonna hit stop on this and then we’re gonna flip over and I’m gonna be on your podcast.
Ursula: Which is awesome cuz then I can drink
some water.
Carling: Well, Ursula, I’m so thankful for you and I’m so glad you reached out and that we got connected and yeah, I just look forward to continuing to hear your story through your podcast.
Ursula: absolutely. Thank you so much for having me. And yes, let’s definitely go out for a tea, coffee, a
bevy
Carling: Yeah. I love that. all right, we will talk to you soon. Bye.
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I Did Not Sign Up For This- Podcast 