Unimaginable Loss – Melissa’s Story
Melissa: [00:00:00] one of the last things we said was, I will never stop fighting for you, honey. And he’s like, I love you more than I’ve ever loved anybody, but I can’t keep ruining our lives.
Carling: welcome to the, I did Not Sign Up for this podcast, a bi weekly show dedicated to highlighting the incredible stories of everyday people. No topic is off limits. Join me as we explore the lives and experiences of guests through thought-provoking, unscripted conversations. And if you enjoy this show and would like to support this podcast, consider joining my Patreon.
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I’m your host Carlin, a Canadian queer identifying 30 something year old, providing a platform for the stories that need to be heard
All right. Hello, Melissa.
Melissa: Hello.
Carling: How are you?
Melissa: Doing all right. Trying not [00:01:00] to sweat everything that I’m drinking right now. It’s so
Carling: it so hot
Melissa: Yes, the humidity
is like a thousand percent.
Carling: Yeah. Oh, well it’s not snowing. So I guess that’s nice.
Yeah. Amazing. Well, I’m so excited to chat with you. I’ve been really looking forward to today. Even though we’re talking about some pretty serious stuff. . So I would love it if we just dive right in. If you can introduce yourself, tell me who you are, where you’re from, what you do, and then we’ll find , where your story starts.
Melissa: sure. So my name is Melissa, and I currently live in sort of western Virginia. I relocated from southern Maryland to be closer to my parents for this time in our lives, I am a mom to four, my stepson is 16, and then I have an 11 year old son, an eight year old son, and a three year old daughter.
And yeah, we’re just doing life now the three kids live with me. Step my stepson [00:02:00] is with his grandparents right now.
And what do I
do? I’m a mom right now. I,
Carling: I’m going to say like survive.
Melissa: yeah, exactly. I’ve been in the ed tech world for many years had a job that I absolutely loved as a software trainer and implementer.
I was laid off in November just due to cuts, they bought companies and had redundancy. They let a lot of us go. And I just have not found anything. Since then I was looking pretty hard and then March came and so I stopped. So now I’m just kind of with the kids and then come fall I’ll try to find something part time.
Maybe back in EdTech. Maybe life is taking me somewhere else. We’ll see.
Carling: Yeah. So your story, you sent me an email and it kind of starts a long time ago, like when you were three. So I get where do you feel like your story? Where do you want to begin with your story?
Melissa: I guess from, I don’t know. I mean, there’s so much to it, right? There’s my story is 1 of a [00:03:00] lot of loss. And I think while that is important, everybody comes to the table with certain things that they’ve gone through in their lives, right? Whether it’s their parents got divorced or, their favorite grandma died you end up at this point in your life where you realize, okay, this isn’t just like a fluke thing anymore.
This is actually affecting my life on a day to day basis. And how do I look at that and then, you know, move forward and help heal from it. So I mean, it was like a brief overview. Yeah, when I was. three, my caregiver, basically like my second mom died suddenly. And nobody told me about it.
There wasn’t any conversation which is sort of ironic now that my daughter is three and has lost her dad. So there’s kind of this what do I wish my parents had done differently? My mom and I have conversations about it all the time. So that wasn’t talked
about.
Carling: Was the theory that just like you were three, you,
wouldn’t
Melissa: Yes. Yes.
Carling: Yeah. Like kids understand.
Melissa: Yeah. I mean, and I was three in nine months, so I was almost four. And the kicker of [00:04:00] it was my brother had been born two weeks earlier. So I had gone from an only child to then sharing my mom. And then I lost basically my second mom because I’ve been with her since I was six weeks old.
She cared for me full time. So, yeah, it was just, they didn’t think that I would understand. And so it was just, we’re going from Mrs. Hendrick’s house, and now we’re going to be at this new lady’s house. And thankfully, the family that my mom found was amazing. The mom, we’re actually still in touch.
She had seven daughters and a son, and I was just another one of their kids. You know, she welcomed me in, and it was, yeah, it was the best place for me. But, yeah, just that open conversation just wasn’t. It wasn’t given to me, you know, it just wasn’t, they didn’t do it back then. So I don’t, you know, I don’t hold any ill will towards my parents or anything.
I know they did the best they could. My mom still saved the like the brochure from the memorial service because she thought that one day I might want it. And I did. I did. I did want it. So,
Carling: yeah.
Melissa: 40 years later, but it’s [00:05:00] okay.
Carling: Yeah. I really think like any age experiences loss, it might just show up differently or show up a little bit later, but that’s like a huge trauma.
Melissa: Yeah, absolutely.
Carling: Yeah. And then growing up otherwise was your life pretty typical? You said you lost grandparents. Yeah.
Melissa: Grandparents, but I did have triplet siblings that were born when I was nine. But as far as losing, I felt pretty lucky, you know, I felt pretty lucky coming into adulthood. I was like, wow, I really lost isn’t something that I’m, I’ve had to really go through, you know, I’ve not lived a charmed life.
Of course, we’ve all been through things and being the eldest sibling of five kids. I didn’t, you get exactly what I needed for my parents all the time, but we were well taken care of. My parents took me, you know, put me in private school and they were always just trying to be involved in our lives as much as they could be.
So yeah, so I felt very untouched by, by real loss by real[00:06:00] real grief for a long time, ironically enough. Yeah. So then when I was 18 I got pregnant unexpectedly and grappled with keeping him versus placing him for adoption. Abortion was not an option for me once my parents discovered.
It was just a personal decision. I had definitely considered it. But for me, once my parents knew, I was like, well, I’m going to move forward with this one where the other so I ended up finding an amazing family and placing him for adoption. It’s very open. He’s known about it from the beginning. So kind of opposite of me when I was, you know, three, four, that age at five, he’s saying, I was in your tummy and you gave me to my real mommy and you know, I grew in your belly and you were my first mommy.
And so that conversation, even you know, then we just really wanted to change the dialogue about, hard things that can be discussed and kids
can understand it.[00:07:00]
Carling: Yeah. And do you still have a relationship with that family today?
Melissa: Yes. Oh yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Kathy is like a sister to me. She’s we actually were featured on humans in New
York. My story is is on there so it
Carling: Oh, wow. I love them.
Melissa: go back and link it or something. But yeah, the, he did a Brandon did a two, two part, two parter on us. So yeah, we’re very close. Aiden is so successful.
I mean, this kid, he’s he’s 25 and he’s buying houses and, you know, renting them out. I mean, he’s just, he graduated from virginia Tech, with a double major. I’m just so proud of him. He really is an amazing kid.
Carling: That’s very cool.
Melissa: Yeah. Yeah. It’s been a good relationship. A lot of times she was the one who I could go to, to, Kind of get me re centered, you know, if I was sort of lost in figuring out who I was, you know, I was a kid.
I really was at 18 just. a baby setting out into the world and she would always just give me so much grace and love. No matter [00:08:00] if I stopped calling for a couple months or if I came by every day, she just opened arms. So , yeah, yeah. guess the next thing was meeting my first husband Ryan, and we met in 2005 and got married in 2007.
He was a I guess, as they say, a local rock star he played guitar and sang and did bass and he and his buddies played locally for a number of years, just having a great time. It was always his dream to play music. And so he was able to do that and support, you know, support the two of us. We moved to Nashville in 2010 because he wanted to be more in the music scene, and we kind of just wanted a change of pace from being in, we lived outside D. C., we were both born and raised there, and so we thought, oh, we’re married, let’s go try, let’s go on an adventure and both of us always kind of wanted to, we’re always trying to find ways out, you know, out [00:09:00] of the Northern Virginia area, . So we went to Nashville, and things did not Turn out how he expected musically, it was just, I guess it said he did a lot of cover stuff and Nashville is more original and he just, it takes a while to get it, get established and I don’t think that we had enough patience or savings in order to do that.
So he decided on his own to enlist in the Navy. And then he came to me. I was like, okay, I will enlist in the Navy and I can leave in three months or I can leave in three weeks for boot camp. And I said, all right, let’s do it. And he’s like, well, I’m going to go in three
weeks. And I said, okay, so we did.
Carling: Wow. So you go from like a rock star’s wife to a military
Melissa: A military wife. Yeah, exactly. Well, we were getting close. We’re like, you know, we kind of want to start our family and the idea was that I would stay home with the kids. That was always what he wanted for me and what I wanted for myself. At least for the first couple of years. And so he wanted to make sure that [00:10:00] happened. So he enlisted and we were on the Navy journey for six years. We had our first son Liam in 2012 in Great Lakes, so we lived in Great Lakes for a year. We moved down to the coast of Virginia for a year and then he was in school for a couple years and then we were moved out to San Diego, which was It was, it was like just the best place for me. I felt at home. I started a community and just found my tribe, so just found my mom group and really felt at home there. But then his ship got repositioned to Hawaii. So after a year and a couple months in San Diego we found out we were moving to Honolulu.
And I was pregnant with our second. It was about nine weeks at that point. We had just found
out. So, yeah,
Carling: And now you have to like, pack up your whole
Melissa: uh huh. And two dogs and these dogs, yeah. And they’re little pugs. So for Hawaii, they have these really strict standards of they’ve [00:11:00] never had a case of rabies. So you have to get these shots, you know, space the right amount of time.
And then, they just have all this paperwork you have to do. But the dogs, since they were pugs, were moving in the summer, and we couldn’t put them under the plane. And they were my babies. They were like, you know, they were my first kids. And I’m like, no, I can’t do that. So I got them as emotional support animals.
I’m pregnant. Not that pregnant. So it’s not that big of a deal. But just tired, you know. The two year old, the two dogs, and all the stuff that we could carry on the, you know, that we could bring on the plane because we were going to be separated from our stuff for three months.
Carling: Oh, God.
Melissa: So, yeah, so we got there we got settled.
And then Ryan had to fly back and then take the ship back so it was another two or three weeks before we were all back together as a family. I loved living there. It was an experience of a lifetime. You know, it was, I never would have been able to do that.
Otherwise, you know, the Navy. Moved us there, you know, paid for everything moving wise, you know, to get us there.
It was [00:12:00] hot. Especially in the summer, but we loved it. My pregnancy there was so wonderful. Like I would, if I was ever feeling just you know, fat and just heavy, I would just go swim in the ocean and everything was buoyant and it was just so beautiful.
Just lovely, you know, like bath water. It was tough once Carter came because the newborn at the beach was a little tricky, but we had certain spots that we would go to and made sure that we always had our tents and, you know, shade and lots of water.
Um, but Ryan was a surfer and, you know, we really just tried to embrace that life.
, he struggled the whole time I knew him with drinking and when I met him, he was a pothead but that was, I guess alcohol was his drug of choice. So things kind of got to a point where I was like, this is, it’s too much for me. I feel like we are not progressing as a couple because we keep getting into these drunken arguments at night and then the next day would be tense and I just felt this heaviness [00:13:00] throughout. And so I said, can we please go to counseling? And he agreed. And basically the counselor was like, I can’t do anything until you get sober because this is such a big roadblock for your wife. That this is something that you’re going to have to either choose to do or not be. In the marriage anymore, so he did get sober for a little bit and it seemed to get better, but during that time I just was realizing how much sort of emotional abuse and he had like narcissistic tendencies and I’m a caregiver and so I just sort of took it on as like I deserved it.
And it wasn’t until I got into a group of other women where we were discussing things and I realized. Oh, this isn’t normal. Like I had moved 6, 000 miles away from my family. So what a typical relationship, what a healthy relationship looked was something that was, had become foreign to me. There’s a lot of gaslighting and it’s just a really confusing time, especially when I was, cause I was drinking as well.
[00:14:00] So things would be kind of hazy of what actually happened? Why? Did we end up in that place? Why am I getting the silent treatment for three days? You know, for something that I don’t really remember saying. So it was a very difficult decision, but I ended the marriage. When we moved back from Hawaii to Virginia.
He separated from the Navy. And I said, told him in March of 2017, I wanted a divorce and he didn’t take it very well. , he said it was out of left field for him and he kind of disappeared for a while. I didn’t talk to him. He had started getting back into taking pills and just lots of drug use to try to ease the pain of what he was going through.
So, but he ended up sort of getting things back together. around for the boys. He loved those boys more than anything, really. I mean, they were his reason for doing what he did, getting his head on straight and trying to provide a home for them to come visit and stay and getting a job and just having more stability [00:15:00] for them.
So we did like joint. Custody for a while and actually in covid, he was able to take them for a week at a time versus just every other weekend because they were doing online school. So, that last year, they got to spend so much time with him and his family, which I was. Really happy about. But yeah, he had a good, stable job, benefits, you know, all that stuff. He met somebody, they got married, he bought a house , she has two kids, two daughters. So they kind of had this two girls and two boys and a little Brady bunch. And the kids got along so well because they were close and they’re close in age.
Carling: And had you started dating at this point?
Melissa: Yeah, so I decided in summertime 2017, nothing serious,. I would like to just kind of see what’s out there. And I met a man on Bumble Will was my first date that I went on. And I, when I sat down to dinner with him, I was like, this man is
it.
I’ve been looking for you. [00:16:00]
Carling: Oh,
Melissa: I don’t know how to explain it. It was just like, you’re home. You are home. And I’m sure people will be like, oh, that’s trauma. That’s, you know, trauma connection or whatever. But at the time, he just felt so familiar to me. And I still dated, I still went on other dates.
We, we decided we were going to be friends, because he wasn’t in a place where he really was ready to date. He thought he was, but then he met me and was like, Oh, I’m not actually ready to date about someone I care about. I just want to go out and have fun and have a good time. So we kind of did that separately while Also talking on the phone every night, you know, just kind of being best friends being in each other’s lives So I did date a couple jerks and he helped me kind of dig my way out of those and tell me hey he shouldn’t be talking to you like that or that’s creepy or I would send him my location when I was on dates so that somebody knew where I was And he did I did the same for him the girls would You know, say certain things because he was such a sucker for love.
And [00:17:00] so he would meet somebody and be like, I’m going to marry her. And I’m like, no, you’re not. You’re not. Cause she’s no look at her past. She said, she didn’t want to have kids. Why? No, this isn’t someone that you want to settle down with. So that went on for a while. And then actually in January of 2018, I moved into his basement because I could not afford the house that I was living in this super expensive area.
So then we were roommates still just platonic but getting closer, spending lots of time together. All of our kids got along.
Yeah, so that
Carling: And did he just have the one
kid?
Melissa: Yeah, so he is he had full custody of his son Isaac. His mom’s in West Virginia She’s got two other kids Will was his primary Caregiver from when he was two so it was you know, we had the three boys. Got a little
crazy sometimes
Carling: And then how do you go from roommates and best friends to marrying this
Melissa: Yeah interesting. So you know, full disclosure, and he knew this too, I was in love with him the whole time. While I was okay, trying to [00:18:00] see if anything else is out there in the back of my mind. We need to be together. And we would talk about it and he would be honest and say, I just, I don’t think so. You’re just, you’re not my normal type. And then I would argue and say, yeah, maybe that’s a good thing. Because. All your other types break your heart and, you know, leave you in a puddle on the floor. So we decided to move down to Southern Maryland to be closer to his family. He wanted like a bigger house, more land and possibly be on the water.
And so I said, okay, let’s do it. So we found this place on the water and just moved down and it was, we were there maybe two weeks and one night we’re sitting outside on our dock, we have a boathouse and just this beautiful home and he just looks at me and he said, I’m an idiot. I am absolutely in love with you. Yeah. I’ve you since I met you and he’s I’m so sorry that it’s taken me this long. And I said, it’s okay, baby. I know.
Carling: Yeah. I knew.
Melissa: Yeah, it’s funny what we called his mom. She’s like. finally, man. [00:19:00] Yeah, so that we just had a, you know, a wonderful couple of months.
It was the kids would go to their dads and Isaac would go to his mom’s. And so we’d have weekends to ourselves. And that was amazing. Cause we actually kind of felt like we were dating, you know, we’d go out to dinner without the kids and so we were like family in the week and then every other weekend we’d get to go play.
And then Mother’s Day, I found Mother’s Day 2019. I found out I was pregnant with our surprise daughter, which is unexpected. But that was kind of like… Okay, this is where we need to be going. So he was at first like, I know I love you, I know I want to be with you, but is this going to last for a lifetime?
You know, is this something that I want to sign up for? And then he said as soon as he found out we were pregnant and had kind of acclimated to the idea of being a dad again, you know, to a baby, that was it. He was signed up and we were ready to. To commit now we did not actually get married.
We were what they call we used to joke and say, if there was [00:20:00] common law marriage, we would be husband and wife. We did wear rings. But he was waiting to kind of get his life into a better situation financial situation before we signed the piece of paper. But yeah, from then on, we just would refer to each other husband and wife , we welcomed our daughter in 2020, January 2020, right before COVID. And then from then it just kind of all fell apart. He was really. A very outgoing social person. We both worked remotely and he had anyway, but he would go on site to customers who go into the office and all of a sudden that was gone.
We couldn’t even see his family who. We had moved down to the area to be near and we just became this little bubble, you know, he started working almost around the clock. His work had him do he needed to do overnight tech support for. This one company while also in the day doing his regular job.
So, yeah, so he started taking too much of his ADD [00:21:00] medication in order to do that. And then it just kind of spiraled and snowballed, lack of sleep lack of access to. To family, to friends, and then the medical care that we found, I just don’t think they really got to the root of what was going on, they just were throwing medication at him.
So it was just a, it was a dark time. I was by myself a lot. He helped out with Emma. Significantly, I would say the worst of it started in 2021. So 2020 was a hard year, but we were, you know, we would tag team with the baby. We’d put her to sleep. We’d help out with the kids who were doing their online school.
The boys would be going to their dads every other week. So we had some, you know, amount. of breathing room and connection time with each other. But 2021 was really when it came to a head. So in June of 2021, I got a phone call from Ryan’s wife at 2 a. m. That she had found him dead.[00:22:00] And she didn’t know what had happened at that point.
it was a complete surprise. Like he had just talked to the boys five hours before and said, good night.
Carling: So they were at your house, the boys?
Melissa: they were at my house. Yeah. Yeah. They’re at my house. And I just, I was like, I don’t even know what to do with this information. And then when it hit me, I just collapsed, you know, just my boys without their dad. I didn’t know what I was going to do or tell them.
Carling: Yeah.
Melissa: It was the day before, day after summer had started. So like their school had just ended. They were looking forward to going to Outer Banks with him and something they did every year. It was the day before father’s day. So it was just yeah, it was a hard. It’s a hard.
weekend
Carling: And how old were they at this point?
Melissa: six and nine.
Carling: How do you tell boys that old that their dads died?
Melissa: yeah, they were very confused. Will and I talked about it a lot. I talked with my parents, did some research, [00:23:00] and basically we sat him down and just told him what happened. We didn’t say how, because at that point we still didn’t really know. I had assumed that he had probably taken something and had overdosed accidentally, but I didn’t have enough information.
So we just had, you know, his heart stopped working. And my oldest was just like, what? I just taught I just got a text from him, like a good night text from him. And there was just a lot of not understanding. And I think also being at our house, When it happened versus being there, they were so separated from it, you know, there’s such a, yeah, like their dad wasn’t there.
So the idea that he was gone was almost just what the word I’m looking for is, but it was just like a thought. It wasn’t really actually happening. So yeah, that was, my six year old didn’t get it really. I mean, he cried, but I don’t think he really understood, but Liam and him, my older one, they were.
Closer. I mean, they were, he spent more time with him, you know, cause Ryan and I were together until he was five. So he [00:24:00] really had more of dad than Carter did. So yeah, I’d say at that point, it was probably the turning, turning point, especially for Will. You know, he loved the boys so much and he was really their dad.
I mean, he was their second dad. He did all the things that dads do and provided for them and loved on them and tucked them in and, you know, picked them up from school and took them to baseball and all that kind of stuff. But I don’t know if it was just a mental shift that happened where it was like, all of a sudden I’m going from stepdad to now full time father of four kids.
And then on top of the stress from work, this is just my speculation, but that’s really when it shifted. He ended up getting fired from his job , he just couldn’t make meetings on time. He would work for days and then he would have to sleep for days because he was just so burnt out and exhausted.
Carling: Like, they were the ones asking him to work overnight and then work in the
Melissa: So, yeah, so that had ended the period was before, but he was [00:25:00] already now in a horrible habit of, you know, just working as much as he could until he crashed. And that’s what he would do. And then he couldn’t show up for the regular things. That he was expected to show up for he couldn’t get by on just his I’m gonna get this project done They needed him to have check ins and he couldn’t he just couldn’t do it And I think that’s sort of where things, came apart because that was his identity for so long We ended up deciding that he would go to rehab Even though we’d been sober at this point since 2019 We stopped drinking in March of 2019 and so he was going more for mental health and we really wanted something that was trauma focused.
So at this point we realized there was things from his childhood that were playing into his mental health and kind of what had gone wrong there. And so we wanted something trauma focused, but it’s almost impossible to find a rehab center that takes Medicaid that can. [00:26:00] Focus on that, you know, that is going to look at other modalities and not just the 12 steps. And they kind of just told us what we want to do here to get them there. I
think looking back,
Carling: And so did he complete a program once he was there?
Melissa: he did. He went to the inpatient up in Pennsylvania. He did an outpatient iOP, and then he did leave that one early. So there’s kind of like graduated steps down and I really wanted him to come home and be able to do a program while also being at home.
Because at this point, he’s still up in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, because they’re all connected, you know, all the centers have their. Spots that they send you to and we just couldn’t find one that was close enough to home that made sense So he and his counselor agreed that he would come home and do online things and then go to AA and And things like that, but when he got home we did counseling, but that was it.
life with a family just kind of took [00:27:00] priority and he was never, neither of us were very good at putting ourselves first, you know, in our own needs. So I would say, maybe you should go to your meeting. And he’s like, Oh, I was down for a nap and I’m holding her. If I get up, she’s going to wake up. And I’m like, that’s okay.
You know, but, and it just kind of slid.
Carling: Yeah.
Melissa: But we were still in couples counseling for a while and things were good like the boys were doing grief counseling We’re trying to talk about their dad as much as possible at this point. We did find out that it was an accidental overdose. He had Gotten a hold of some pills that had fentanyl in them and he Did not know it he never ever would have taken them if he had known like they were oxycontin that looked like Regular oxycontin, but they were actually cut with fentanyl.
And so we told the boys that, just kind of explained to them, , what exactly had happened. And so, yeah, just trying to integrate this huge gap, this huge hole in our lives from their, that their dad and [00:28:00] also trying to figure out how we’re gonna, , make sure that Will is in a stable place where he can be that father for them. And he was doing well for a while.
Carling: And were the boys seeing their stepmom?
Melissa: so yeah, so we would go, we went to Great Wolf Lodge, I don’t know if you know what that is, but it’s like this, we went to Great Wolf Lodge, it was about nine months after Ryan passed, we finally got it all together. They went and stayed with her for a couple weekends.
Ryan’s best friend Bill has. Has kept them for a weekend and his brother John takes him, you know, took him to king’s dominion. So yeah, everybody tries to kind of help out there. We didn’t have the planned, you know, every other weekend because she was.
Carling: Yeah. Yeah. Like she also lost a husband.
Melissa: yeah, I mean, the boys, they lost their family, you know, they lost a step mom and two sisters overnight. In addition to their dad. Cause that’s something that could have continued. You know, we didn’t live close. I would have been open to. To them, [00:29:00] you know, continuing to stay there if they wanted to, but it was too much for her, , four kids and she had her ex husband had the girls every other weekend.
So it’s just very complicated as, you know, blended families and stuff is but, yeah, she’s still a part of their lives. And and we do see them, yeah, just not as much as I, I would like, but we’re in touch.
Carling: And so Will, at this point, he’s not working, but he’s just trying to focus on getting better.
Melissa: Yeah, and looking for a job, and I was working we were doing couples counseling, he’s doing regular counseling, we’re reading books, doing, you know, trying to figure out if we can get him into some kind of neurofeedback, or… You know, EMDR, we’re looking at somatics, just anything. I had read a book called Complex PTSD by Pete Walker.
And it’s fascinating. I mean, Will was like, this is me. Like this whole book is I could have written it. He talks about like emotional flashbacks that [00:30:00] basically shut you down where you can’t. Function, you know, your mind is just like you’re not safe. You’re not safe. And some people lash out.
I mean, it’s the fight flight freeze thing, you know, and well, well, it was a freezer and he would just go to his room or go to our bed and just lay down. Not wake up for a day or two.
So it was a lot. It was a lot for me. The inconsistency of when he was going to be okay, when he wasn’t if he had taken too much of his medication again, if he was up for three days, because that was still hap, that was, started happening again about six months after he got back from rehab.
Because without that support system in place, you’re just going to go to what? It works, you know, even if it’s not a great solution, it was working somewhat. so that was, it was a struggle. Then when I lost my job in November, that’s when I was like, okay, shit is not good here. It’s like really not good.
I am now not able to provide, you’re not working, he still wasn’t [00:31:00] in a place where he could. He’d actually gotten a job and was there for a month and a half and then they let him go. Too, because he couldn’t. He couldn’t make the meetings. He couldn’t, you know, do what they expected him to do.
I’m like, okay, we need to stop doing this because the more hits you get, the worse you’re gonna feel about yourself. Let’s just get you better. So then, in January, he ended up getting sepsis, somehow. I know. He had a cut on his foot and it just never healed. And then he had this back pain that was…
I’d never seen he would his pain tolerance is very high and he was just like rolling around on the floor I’m like this a couple days like we gotta get you to the hospital. This is crazy. So it turns out he had sepsis They flew him up to Georgetown University Hospital outside DC had sepsis around his spine So it was like masses on his spine.
So they gave him the serious antibiotics He ended up getting spinal surgery to pull out the mass. And then he also had one disc that needed to be replaced. We [00:32:00] had a titanium, you know, screws in there and it was serious. Like he was in the ICU for five weeks.
Carling: My God.
Melissa: yeah, but during that time they also had him on IV pain medication. No, this is an addict who is he was a recovering heroin addict back in 2000 or something a long time ago. He got clean and hadn’t touched it since but pain medication was always something that was like He knew if I take this, it makes me feel like a more normal person. But you can’t get it regularly, you know, unless you’re in pain or unless you’re getting it from the streets and neither of which he was.
But when he was on it at the hospital, he felt. He felt normal. He felt happy. He felt like I can do things in life and yeah, it just kind of centered him and balanced him. So, but he was honest with them. He told them, you know, I have a history of drug use, so when they’re releasing him.
They say we can only give you, , two [00:33:00] days worth, but you have to find a pain management clinic. And I’m like, okay, so for five weeks, they have you on, I mean it was Dilaudid, like this wasn’t just you know, Vicodin,
Carling: like full time,
Melissa: it was morphine basically. And so then they release them with two days worth and tell them, you know, good luck finding a place.
So he, we ended up finding a place, but then she got word, I guess his medical records came from the hospital where it said he had prior history of drug use. So then they released him from care. So
Carling: still had pain
Melissa: yeah. He had an open wound in his back.
Carling: Oh my God.
Melissa: So he’s at the ER, you know, they’re giving him medicine, you know, three days worth, four days worth but they can only do it so many times but he could not find another pain management clinic.
To take him, we were going to go up to Baltimore but the last day was he was waiting on. An ER prescription to be filled and the pharmacist says your insurance isn’t going to pay for it. I can’t [00:34:00] fill it. And he just looked at me and he’s like, babe, I’m done. Like I can’t keep fighting this.
I am emotionally wrecked. I’m physically in pain. Nobody cares. Like he was, I’ll tell you, I got his phone the other day. His last phone call was to his neurosurgeon.
He spent that whole afternoon begging for help. Begging. He spent seven minutes on the phone trying to get hold of his neurosurgeon and I found him ten minutes later and he was gone.
Carling: so sorry.
Melissa: He fought so hard, you know, and he was just, it was like one of the last things we said was, I will never stop fighting for you, honey. And he’s like, I love you more than I’ve ever loved anybody, but I can’t keep ruining our lives. And he said, you’re not ruining our lives. Like we can. I couldn’t find something and he’s for what? That it’ll, that’ll work for a little bit and then won’t [00:35:00] anymore? I know what’ll work and nobody wants to help me with it. Nobody wants to give me what I need. And I’m like, what do you say to that? You know,
Yeah, you’re in so much physical pain. You don’t think there’s an end. Not to mention all the emotional agony that has been piled on for decades, you know?
Carling: yeah.
Melissa: Yeah,
Carling: And when you’re fighting so hard and you feel like nobody
Melissa: cares.
Yeah, it’s helping. Yeah, it’s like they don’t understand the situation or how dire it is, you know,
Carling: yeah
Melissa: yeah I mean he had tried. Yeah, he tried and tried. So yeah, and it’s unfortunate We’re not the only ones, you know I did a lot of research after and I found a number of people who Ended their lives because they couldn’t get their pain medication people other people may say oh, they’re just an addict like Yeah, but they were on this medication from a doctor, and so it changes your brain, and so you [00:36:00] can’t just stop it.
Carling: Yeah.
Melissa: can’t. It is, it’s unethical. I mean it is, not to mention just the withdrawal, the physical withdrawals of what happens, but especially with somebody who’s, who has had He struggles with addiction, you know, it’s
Carling: Yeah.
Melissa: it pushes them past the point where they can manage
Carling: And so now are you home with the kids when this happens?
Melissa: so Liam was at his friend’s house. Isaac was downstairs in his room Carter and Emma are in the basement we lived at a split level So our how our bedroom is on one side of the house And the kids are on the basement on the other side of the house and we’re making cookies and you know, I heard him on the phone I had come in with Emma behind me and I saw he had he had the gun in his hand It was like a 22.
This is a rifle. I said babe put that away come on You know I didn’t think that he was actually gonna do anything And I went I couldn’t go in to like actually do anything because our three year olds [00:37:00] behind me So I sent them downstairs, and I come back and I try to get it out of his hand.
I said, please just give it to me. He’s on the phone still you know, talking to somebody. And he wouldn’t give it to me. He was so strong. He’s just a big guy, and I know he never would have done anything to me, but I’m like, what’s the point of me wrestling? What if it goes off accidentally?
You know, because we’re like having a tussle here. So I said, I’m gonna be right back. And I went outside and was like, okay, I gotta get the kids out of the house and call for help here. We had a scare back in October where he was suicidal and I called the cops and they took all of our guns and I didn’t know that one was left.
So I get the kids , they’re in the kitchen at this point. So then I get them down in the basement. They’re like on the other side of the house. I go back in and he’s gone. I mean, he looked like he was sleeping. Like I was so confused because it looked like he had a bloody nose.
I don’t know if this is like too much detail but, I was just like, Oh my gosh, what he just looked like he was sleeping with blood coming out of his nose, but it wasn’t like running. It just looked like he’d had a bloody nose and I go and I locked the door behind me. I’m [00:38:00] like, babe, what the hell?
There’s no, it’s not a mess. It’s not like you worry about somebody, you know, you come in after they kill themselves by suicide. And you know, that’s, it wasn’t like that. I was so confused. And I was just like rubbing his arm and, you know, I moved his head and I’m Then I got it. It just took me a couple minutes,
Carling: I think your brain doesn’t, want to,
Register that.
Melissa: Yeah. And especially because he was so, he just looked like he was sleeping. I mean, I don’t know if he like did research or something beforehand I have no idea if I just am lucky in some, thankfully I get one, one piece of luck thrown my way, but I am thankful that when I think back to that day, there is not a lot of trauma associated with it. Of course, the trauma of losing him and stuff, but not the added trauma of of graphic memories that I now have to purge or revisit in my dreams.
So I got the kids out of the house. I’m on the phone, with 911. I’m [00:39:00] texting his sister. , we just sit in the car and the cops show up and, you know, once they had gone in and realized he was gone, they wouldn’t let me back in the house. And so I’m just sitting outside. The kids are in the car and it’s cold and it’s like mid March.
I’m sitting out there without a jacket. Just sitting on the side of the house, just staring straight ahead I don’t know what the hell is going on right now. And they kept saying, you want a jacket? You want a jacket? Why don’t you go into the car with the kids? I’m like, no. Leave me alone.
I’m sitting right here. Part of me wanted to be as close to his body as possible, you know, cause I was right on the corner where he was. But yeah, I mean, there was like so many ambulances and all that stuff. And so then… Liam, I didn’t actually tell him for a day or two he was at his friends and I just. I put it off as long as I could, but yeah, telling your three year old, who was literally just playing with her dad, that she’s never going to see him again, it was, yeah. And Carter just kept asking, what’s going on, mom? What’s going on? Is Will [00:40:00] okay? Is Will okay? Cause he had been at the hospital, right?
So he had been gone for a couple of weeks, like almost a month, or actually it was a little over a month. And so they were kind of used to him being. Either sick or gone at the hospital, but he was there like he had been there that day We’ve been making cookies and playing and Carter’s is well, okay as well.
Okay. No, he’s not. Okay, and I was like, baby I’m sorry. He’s gone like he died and how did he was it? His surgery he was more emotional than I was more in tune with his emotions.
And so Carter, Liam, Isaac, even Emma knew that he had a hard childhood and that he was sad about it sometimes. A couple days before it happened, Carter had come downstairs and Will was in the basement crying and he just snuggled up to him and said, what’s wrong, Will? And he told him, you know, a little bit about what he was feeling and how, you know, how it affects how, what had happened to him in the past affects him now.
And so, yeah, it wasn’t out of nowhere, right? It wasn’t like, we’re happy [00:41:00] 1 minute and then he’s gone. It was very, it was a very obvious lead up to it.
Yeah, and then telling Liam. Oh God, he came out of the house, I went over to his friend’s house and said I need you to come outside and he knew, he just was like no, and like, I’m so sorry. He sees Carter and Emma sticking their heads out the window so he knows they’re okay. That he knew that
something had gone wrong again.
Carling: And how old was he at this point?
Melissa: So that was, he’s 11. So six and nine and then
11 and eight,
Carling: So how do you even begin to heal and process what the last few years have been like?
Melissa: yeah. Yeah, that’s a good question. I just,
do you have the answer? I was hoping,
Carling: Yeah. I’d be like, Oh, sorry, was I supposed to,
Melissa: I have taken the drink from a fire hose approach and just take in as much as possible. And see what kind of what sticks. And so I read books, I listen to podcasts, [00:42:00] I just am constantly absorbing, trying to find something that resonates with me. My first priority was getting us all into therapy.
By the grace of God, that happened within two weeks of us moving. I don’t know how, because it is damn near impossible to find therapists, much less child therapists, much less ones who take your Medicaid insurance. You know, who have an opening, who your kids click with, you know, all these things lined up.
So the boys see the same one and then Emma sees a different one. I am in I’m doing EMDR therapy and somatic touch therapy. So I have two different practitioners I see.
I’ve been doing , what else? I wrote that memory list of stuff. I’m looking into, I think we talked about like micro dosing or like psilocybin, ketamine, kind of that aspect of it too. MDMA. Just trying to figure out, can hallucinogens help heal?
Some of this deep trauma. I mean, the obvious ones are recent, right? But what about the the patterns that I have continued throughout [00:43:00] my life? I’m looking into like past life, hypnotherapy that kind of thing. Is there anything there that I’m continuing these karmic patterns and can release that energy?
I would say really my main focus is the kids, you know, and me, but. Also I have a tendency to go big picture, like okay, how can I turn this tragedy into something amazing, but my therapist is like, don’t do that. Like you’re trying to, it’s like in internal family systems is a type of therapy that I. really love. I have, I don’t know if you’re familiar with it, but like
Carling: A little bit.
Melissa: we’re all, we all have parts basically inside of us. So my managers, they’re the ones that kind of keep you organized in your day rolling. There’s firefighters and they’re kind of the crazy ones. And then there’s exiles. Those are those, the feelings and the parts that you don’t want to show anybody.
But anyway, my managers are. They’re problematic. They’re over functioning to a point where it’s like, I can’t not do stuff, you know? So [00:44:00] she’s like, okay, is this your manager’s or is this yourself? Yeah, it’s my manager’s. They don’t want to feel the pain. They just want to get something done.
Carling: Yeah.
Melissa: So yeah, kind of digging into that has been Yeah, so stop looking big picture, focus on the here and the now and the present, even when it, you know, it sucks.
I try to do meditations. I listen, like I said, I listen to a lot of podcasts. I exclusively listened to a widow podcast in the beginning just to hear other people’s stories and how the hell they went from like devastation to okay.
Yeah, so it’s just A bunch of stuff, essentially. I don’t think there’s any one thing that I’m like, yeah, that definitely worked. Yeah, there’s things that definitely do work, but it’s I think it’s a combination of a lot of different supports modalities. You know, my increased awareness of things asking for help, which I really hate doing, but
[00:45:00] Yeah, it’s not like I don’t like being needy, but I kind of am like that’s and that’s okay
Carling: it’s okay yeah, you should be, especially in this circumstance. I think it’s so admirable and you should feel so proud that not only dealing with your own grief and trauma, but now you’re dealing with your own You know, you’re tasked with carrying the grief and trauma of four
Melissa: Yeah.
Carling: people that really, you know, also need help going through it and you’re actually like putting that at the forefront, like yours and their healing. And I think, I mean, you know, like just from your own childhood that is going to make such a difference in how they navigate life.
Melissa: Yeah, I mean there’s Conversation even if I don’t know the answers and I’ll tell them, you know, if they ask me something I don’t know. Here’s what I think let’s look it up or let’s ask somebody I mean it’s a lot of times it’s just a mess of feelings and you know I just try to [00:46:00] be honest with them about where I’m at you know things are overwhelming for me if I’m getting overstimulated because I’m feeling really triggered I Tell them, you know, and I’m trying to tell them before I flip out and I get super angry because you know That’s how I deal with grief sometimes and they’re becoming more aware of it, too You know, oh mom’s starting to get a little doing a little head thing. We’ve everybody scatter
Carling: Give her space.
Melissa: or if I’m crying, you know, they’ll all come up and give me hugs and yeah, they’re sweet
Carling: Oh my gosh. I’m so, so, so thankful that you’ve reached out and shared your story. I think, you know, I say it to everybody, but even if you can’t. Relate to the entire story, like there are so many pieces of your story that even like I can relate to and I think it’s so important that we have these conversations and talk about it because I think it’ll help a lot of people.
Melissa: Yeah. Normalize [00:47:00] grief and death and struggle and addiction and mental health problems. I mean, it’s, yeah. Our story may be kind of a wild compilation of all of those things, but
Carling: Yeah.
Melissa: affect everybody. I just think that we’re, and we’re all going to be touched by grief at some point in our lives. Yeah. Thank you.
..
Carling: Thank you so much for joining me on this episode. I hope you found our conversation informative and entertaining. If you enjoyed this episode, please don’t forget to follow me on social media. Share this podcast with your friends and leave a review@ratethispodcast.com slash I did not sign up for this.
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I hope you all have a fantastic week ahead and we’ll talk soon [00:48:00]
I Did Not Sign Up For This- Podcast 